Truth or Dare
by Spunkz the wacked out Spaz
Summary: Christmas. Those who stayed over are bored pee-less. So a rather exciting game of Truth or Dare starts, and envolves a certain Severus Snape nearly choking to death...
1. The Evil Stroganoff Of Death

Subtitled:- Severus Snape and the Alien Stroganoff that Nearly Killed Him.  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing I own of this is the radioactive stroganoff.  
  
It was the Christmas Holidays, and, as guessed, not many people were staying over at school. Everyone who was staying over was bored, to say the least. The Christmas Feast had ended, and many people were dozing or staring blankly at the ceiling. Indeed, Professor Severus Snape was so incredibly bored that he had fallen asleep face down in his stroganoff, which was glowing a funny green colour. Harry Potter was staring at it from the other side of the table, and he was sure it was radioactive. It was Professor Albus Dumbledore who came up with a solution to total boredom.  
  
"Why not play truth or dare?" He asked, beaming. The teachers and students who were still alive looked at him like he had struck gold, opened a gold mine and given the profits to them. Professor Minerva McGonagall woke Professor Snape up. He was not really happy, for a number of different reasons.  
  
"Who pushed me into this stroganoff?" He asked, scowling. He was not a morning person. "10points from Gryffindor, Potter, for laughing at me. Anyway, why the heck did you wake me up, Minerva?" Harry quickly wiped the amused grin off his face. It was hard, because the sight of the most unpopular teacher in the school, the most intimidating teacher in the school, with a radioactive green face was absolutely hilarious.  
  
"We are playing truth or dare, Severus. And if I were you, I would go and wash your face and . er . hair before we start. That stroganoff seems to be discolouring them." Indeed, the Professor's normally greasy black hair had turned an attractive shade of pink.  
  
"I. Don't. Do. Pink." Grumbled the unfortunate teacher as he went down to his little dungeon hideaway to change himself back to his original colour. "Pink hair and green face do NOT go."  
  
Ten minutes later, Severus was back, and there was no evidence on his face or hair to suggest that an alien stroganoff had ever disturbed its normal colouring. The people in the hall were waiting impatiently for him. As he sat down at the table, Ron Weasley piped up with an actually very clever question:  
  
"Who's starting?"  
  
Dumbledore smiled.  
  
"I think you have just volunteered, Mr. Weasley."  
  
Ron grinned. He was expecting a lot from this decision. Life or death, as a matter of fact.  
  
"Professor Snape, truth or dare?" he asked. Severus groaned. These people were so immature. He had been hoping no one would pick him.  
  
"Dare." He mumbled angrily. Ron's grin grew wider, if at all possible.  
  
"I dare you to eat that stroganoff." He said, barely keeping himself from bursting out laughing. Severus glared at him, even more annoyed than he ever had been in a Gryffindor/Slytherin Double Potions lesson where they were concentrating on Love Potions and Neville Longbottom had somehow got Draco Malfoy to turn into a highly feminine Britney Speares look-alike obsessed with alcohol and. yes, doing 'that' with him.  
  
"50points from Gryffindor, Weasley, for even thinking about it." He snarled. However, the other teachers would not let him change his choice, and he was flat out not going to argue with his employer, Dumbledore, so he wearily picked up a fork and hastily dropped it again, deciding to get it over and done with the quick way.  
  
"Screw this." He muttered to himself, as he swallowed the spoonful. The TABLEspoonfull. He loaded up the spoon with more of the glowing stroganoff, gagging at the out-of-this-world flavour and colour of the stuff. Unfortunately, however, he was in so much of a hurry to finish the stroganoff and get it over with so he could die in peace, that he accidentally swallowed the spoon as well. The students by now were in fits of hysterics as small choking noises followed the swallowing of the spoon.  
  
"I *cough* need a drink *cough cough* of *cough* water!" he managed. The students were rolling around helplessly on the floor, clutching stitches in their sides. It was comical to see him choking, or in the minds of the students it was. Professor McGonagall gave Severus a goblet of water, and Severus drank it as though he was suddenly called Rubeus Hagrid and someone had locked him in a room containing nothing but Fire Whisky. It stopped the choking, but it didn't improve his mood. He was as foul as ever, increasingly angry because now the teachers were laughing as well.  
  
"Ms. Granger, truth or dare?" He growled threateningly. The laughing quickly subsided. People were either curious to see what he was thinking up for the hapless student, or just plain petrified by the expression on his face. Hermione blanched.  
  
"Truth." She said, just to be on the safe side. She really didn't want to swallow a spoon just yet.  
  
"Why is it, Ms. Granger, that whenever you have finished the assignment in class, you are staring non stop at Mr. Weasley with a blank expression on your face that is completely uncharacteristic for you?" Severus asked, smirking slightly. He could already guess the answer. His suspicions were fulfilled as Hermione gave her reply.  
  
"Because I. I have a. I have a crush on him." She stammered out. Severus smiled cruelly. At least now he wasn't the one humiliated. What happened next, though, changed his mind completely. Ron, upon hearing this, grabbed Hermione's hand and gave her a swift peck on the cheek. Hermione started giggling insanely.  
  
Five minutes later, Hermione got a control over herself enough to ask the dreaded question.  
  
"Ginny, truth or dare?"  
  
Ginny Weasley thought for a moment.  
  
"Truth." She answered.  
  
"Ok. name all your boyfriends from the least recent to your current one." Hermione said, before the giggling overtook her again and she had to have a drink to stop herself laughing.  
  
"Um. lets see. there was that boy next-door." Ginny began. Ron interrupted.  
  
"What? Oh my God, you fancied.?" He asked, wide eyed. Ginny grinned.  
  
"Yup. Anyway, then there was the guy down the road, then the teenage rebel owner of the corner shop in some Muggle village, then Harry, then *coughcoughcough* now Harry again." She started fake coughing in mid sentence.  
  
"I'm sorry Ginny, who was that after Harry but before Harry?" asked Dumbledore. Ginny blushed very deeply, and said in a barely audible whisper  
  
"Professor Snape."  
  
Ron's face went white, and he gasped.  
  
"I. I think I need to go praise the. er. porcelain gods, and Osiris. I'm sure I left his altar somewhere." He ran out of the room. The other students were too shocked to speak, the teachers were whispering excitedly together and Severus was bashing his head against the table, screaming.  
  
"WHY ME GOD??? AAAAAAH!!!! WHY ME??? TAKE MY SOUL, SATAN, JUST STOP THIS MADNESS!!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!! I DO NOT WISH TO BE A STUDENT - GIRL MAGNET!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
  
Presently, after an agonising quart hour in which Professor Snape just about regained his composure and reluctantly discontinued whacking his head against the table and demanding the murder or Ginny, Ron came back in, shaking.  
  
"Please tell me you were joking, Ginny. Just tell me you were joking, and then we can all sigh in relief." He pleaded slowly.  
  
"I'm not joking. I really did have a crush on him." Ginny said in a very small voice. Severus took liberty of the silence afterwards to resume smashing his head on anything solid, including students who got in his way, and walls, which were there anyway. He soon stopped this, though, as repeatedly hitting your head hard against solid things leads to unconsciousness, which he found out the hard way. When he awoke, he would have a bad migraine. If he awoke. The mass vote was that they game should be postponed until the now REALLY pissed off Professor regained consciousness.  
  
  
  
In other words, you people will just have to wait until the next chapter for more. Ner ner. =P I hold the future of this story in my immortal hands, and. ok, ok, I'll shut up and you can have the next chapter. Spoilsports. 


	2. Harry's Trip To Australia And A Naughty ...

Severus slowly regained consciousness and was in the worst mood he could ever hope to be in. Ginny was staring sheepishly at him; everyone else looked as though they had been placed under the Body-Bind curse. Quickly, upon seeing him awake and as angry as ever, they averted their gaze to various places on the ceiling. Harry asked a question.  
  
"Are we continuing with the game?" Dumbledore smiled.  
  
"It is Professor Snape's choice." He said, eyes losing their twinkle as they came to rest on said Professor Snape.  
  
*There. God dammit, it's down to me again! Why can't the old fag make his own choices? Why leave it to me?* Severus thought angrily to himself.  
  
"Fine! We continue, but if anyone comes up with anymore wise-cracks concerning myself or anything to do with me, I will not take responsibility for my actions, do you hear?" He snarled at them grouchily.  
  
"Fair enough, Severus. Miss Weasley, it is your turn." Dumbledore said, eye twinkle back in action.  
  
"Um. ok then. Harry, truth or dare?" Ginny asked. Harry thought awhile. People had been too cautious ever since Professor Snape's accident with the stroganoff. He needed to liven things up a bit.  
  
"Dare. I'm a daring guy." He said.  
  
"All right, but you're going to wish you hadn't done that. I dare you to dig to Australia." Ginny said. On seeing the multiple disbelieving glances at her, she added. "It was the only thing I could think of."  
  
Harry stared at her.  
  
"What are you on, exactly, hiatus?" He asked. "Dig to Auzzie? WITHOUT MAGIC?"  
  
"Without magic." Ginny confirmed. Harry caught the eye of Severus, who looked very pleased. Indeed, he was almost laughing, which in itself was a disturbing thought. He sighed to himself, jotted down his will, which he gave to Dumbedore just in case he died on the way and set off.  
  
Five hours later, he came back inside, covered in mud and grinning like he had struck gold to find that everyone had gone to sleep.  
  
"Hey! Wake up! I did my dare!" He shouted, shaking the students hard. He then shook Severus, who woke up in an instant, deducted 60 points from Gryffindor for shaking him, the almighty Professor Severus Snape, gave him a detention for disrespecting a teacher and woke the other teachers up.  
  
"Potter seems t have done his dare." He told them bad tempered-ly. As I said somewhere before in this fic, he was not a morning person.  
  
"I found an interesting specimen in Australia." Harry told them excitedly. "I found a Kangaroo which the natives called 'Bralalaloooo'. They kept chanting his name over and over while dancing around a fire and a big cauldron with enormous knives. I think it was some sort of ritual, maybe a religious sacrificial ritual. Well, all the Kangaroos there seemed bored. None of them was bored enough to be doing what Bralalaloooo was doing. Exactly what that was, you don't want to know."  
  
"Yes, we do." Said Ron.  
  
"You know that rude word that sounds like 'Banker' but begins with 'W'? Well, Bralalaloooo was 'banking.'" Harry told them, all the while inching away from Severus. Wisely, because Severus, as such of the very bad day he was having, deducted more points from Gryffindor.  
  
"Well, anyway. Professor Dumbledore, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth. I've seen the dares that you people think up."  
  
"What is the most inventive prank you've pulled on anyone?" Harry asked, grinning  
  
"Oh, for God's sake, Albus, don't give them ideas!" Professor McGonagall said in exasperation. Dumbledore smiled at her, but ignored the comment.  
  
"Well, when Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape first came to teach here, Professor Quirrell, who was un-corrupted and still alive, and Professor Flitwick dared me to play a prank on the newbies."  
  
Professor Snape shot a glare that would petrify a basilisk at Professor Flitwick, who flinched, quailed and waved nervously, being the only one of the two left alive.  
  
"I took into consideration that Professor McGonagall had taught Professor Snape while he was at school, then taken a leave for a few years. That meant they knew each other well. Being the respective heads of rivalling houses, and Professor Snape having been in Slytherin as Professor McGonagall being the head of Gryffindor, they seemed to have a slight grudge against each other. Indeed, that is why Professor Snape is so mean to Gryffindors, but that is a different story. Anyway, it seemed impossible that the two of them would speak to each other, let alone work together. So, to do a prank and stop any potential conflict, I slipped a certain Potion capsule into their ale in the morning."  
  
Both teachers stood quickly up, their eyes holding emotions darker than hell which, would not only petrify a basilisk, send it screaming to live with the roosters for evermore, trying to persuade them to crow so it could die.  
  
"That was YOU?" They both screamed at him. The other teachers wrestled them back into their chairs and restrained them so Dumbledore could continue with no fear of being murdered by avenging Professors.  
  
"Professor Snape always has liked ale, and drained his. Er. Professor McGonagall drained hers as well."  
  
"What did the capsules do, Professor?" asked Hermione eagerly.  
  
"Tell them and die, Albus." Threatened Severus, who was still pinned down in his chair. McGonagall struggled like a mad woman.  
  
"I fear my life would be in danger if I told you, Miss Granger. However, both would be sent to Azkaban if they killed me, so." He paused. Both Snape and McGonagall looked like they would risk being sent to Azkaban to live with the Dementors if it would keep the story secret.  
  
"Albus." Said McGonagall in a dangerously calm voice. "Albus, I'm warning you. If you breathe ONE WORD of that little bygone incident, then I will personally poison you."  
  
"The capsule," said Dumbledore, ignoring her and the threat that put his life in danger, "made Severus and Minerva develop certain. feelings. towards each other"  
  
"Really?" asked Ron, trying hard not to laugh at the mental image of Snape and McGonagall sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Or, maybe worse than kissing. Oh, well.  
  
"Lets just say that no one saw them until the weekend." Concluded Dumbledore. There was a sudden uproar. Sevreus had managed to throw Flitwick off him and had jumped out of his seat, holding his wand in a very threatening position towards Dumbledore. McGonagall had kicked Lockhart, who was restraining her, where no man should be kicked and was busy hexing the other teachers. She had given Sybil Trelawney such a hairstyle that she now looked like Satan with a perm. Dumbledore started laughing.  
  
"Give me a reason, and I swear I will Albus." Growled Severus. Then, seeing Dumbledore doubled over in fits of glee, he asked "What?!"  
  
"You're - you're holding the wand. backwards." gasped Dumbledore in between fits of hysterical laughter. Severus looked at his wand and turned it the right way round.  
  
"Oops"  
  
The teachers who had recovered or had not been hexed in the first place jumped on Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall and managed o take away their wands, disallowing them to do magic. A violent fistfight started out as a result, between Severus and the other teachers. Minerva dropped out The berserk rage had left her Severus, however, was always in a berserk rage. This just made it worse.  
  
Order was forcefully reinstalled. So forcefully that Ministry members had to come down on their brooms and ask everyone to be quiet, as some people in Cornwall were complaining about the noise. Snape was left with a lot of blood flowing from numerous cuts on his face, some of them deep and serious (I think Lockhart had Godric's sword with him for some reason or another) but Lockhart, Flitwick and Trelawney had to be rushed into casualty at St. Mungo's. However, once they had departed, Ron Weasley was found whispering into Dumbledore's ear. Dumbledore chuckled.  
  
"I am afraid I ca't do that, Mr. Weasley. Severus and Minerva would probably skin me alive if I mentioned it."  
  
"Too damn right." Snarled Snape, trying unsuccessfully to staunch the blood flow from a wound above his left eye with a bit ripped off Harry's robes (Gained, but with protest, of course. What, you think Harry wouldn't protest if someone ripped a bit off his clothes, huh? I sure would.)  
  
"But I have the other teachers, the ones who Minerva has NOT hexed to protect me, so. yes, I will give it a try."  
  
A tic was going in McGonagall's cheek. Severus was looking wildly around to see where Flitwiack had hidden his wand.  
  
"Professor McGonagall" Dumbledore asked, "Truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth." Said McGonagall, not without reproach.  
  
"Ah. Good. This makes things a whole lot easier." Said Dumbledore cheerfully. Minerva began to get a very bad feeling about this.  
  
"Minerva, could you kindly enlighten us on what happened between you and Professor Snape in the period after the capsule was slipped into your drink but before the weekend?" Dumbledore asked, inching away from Severus and checking his wand was near enough to his hand.  
  
He was right to do so, as Severus lost it completely.  
  
"I. Have. You. For. An. Employer. And. You. Are. Supposed. To. Be. Sensible. But. You. Are. As BAD AS THE FRIGGIN' STUDENTS!!!" The highly pissed potions master yelled, launching himself at Dumbledore. Professor Sinistra, who was passing by, took a serum and applied it somehow to Professor Snape, who calmed down within an instant and slid to the floor. Seeing that her job was done, she ran off.  
  
"Thank God for the holidays." She was heard to mutter.  
  
Professor Snape was barely conscious in some sort of drugged stupor, so it was decided that he could hear but couldn't react or murder anyone. Thank Lucifer for handy serums that people happen to carry around in their back pockets, eh?  
  
That means another chapter ends because of Severus. It also means, because of Severus, that you will have to wait until the next chapter to find out what happened between Snape and McGonagall. Gawd, everything happens to Professor Snape, doesn't it? *Whistles guiltily* 


	3. Well, can you dance Cossack? No, didn't ...

"So Minerva." Dumbledore smiled at his pale Deputy Head. "What happened during that period of time?"  
  
"I - can't - tell - you!!!" Minerva said in a strained voice. Dumbledore frowned.  
  
"Oh? And just why not?" he asked, peevedly! (A/N WOW! I made up a word! I'm so clever!)  
  
"It's a PG-13 story for God's sake! All you youthful readers out there, let your imaginations go wild! I will only say it had something to do with a painful whip and a leather thong."  
  
Harry went pale.  
  
"Ugh! Too Much Information!"  
  
Severus chose that moment to return to full consciousness and discover that he was allergic to serums.  
  
"Damn." he said as he started coughing violently, spraying the students nearest him with blood. "Why couldn't it be peanuts I'm allergic to? I mean NO ONE IN THE BLOODY WORLD LIKES PEANUTS!"  
  
Minerva cleared her throat.  
  
"Ok. So. Uh... Professor Quirrell, truth or dare?" She asked, much to everyone's confusion because he was dead.  
  
"What?" asked Hermione. He died didn't he?  
  
"WHERE IS HE???" Yelled Severus. "I DON'T CARE IF HE'S DEAD! I'LL KILL HIM FOR THAT CAPSULE!!!"  
  
"Jeez, Severus, get a grip will you? The author thought it was funny and gallantly brought me back from the Realms of the Dead and Cheesemakers just for this fic and so she can stalk me. Piss off will you!" Quirrell yelled at the spiritual presence of the author  
  
(Random A/N Heh heh heh!!!)  
  
Quirrell turned back to Minerva.  
  
"Uh... Dare, coz nothing can hurt me; I'm dead." Minerva's eye twitched.  
  
"Oh... bugger. Ok, I dare you to... uh..."  
  
Ron raised an eyebrow.  
  
"You don't play this very often, do you Professor?" he asked sceptically.  
  
"And you do? You sad prick. I feel sorry for you not having anything better to do with your life. In fact, the only reason we're playing it today is because we don't have anything better to do with our lives. Ok... I dare you to dance ballet with the wall!" Minerva said triumphantly, feeling pleased with herself. Ron groaned.  
  
"Professor, have you ever played this at all?" he asked.  
  
"Dunno if it's any of your fucking business but no!" Minerva exploded. Ron looked shocked.  
  
"Jesus Christ calm down woman! I didn't mean it as a sodding insult, you b- "  
  
"That will do, Weasley" Severus sighed despairingly.  
  
Professor Quirrell was not happy. For good reason. In fact, he looked rather embarrassed. His spectral face was as red as a white face can be (not very red, obviously, but whiter than white - bounty fresh and clean! =D) and his eyes were twitching again.  
  
"Uh... I - I" he began nervously. "I don't k-know how to d-d-dance." He stammered. General confusion broke out as a result and one voice was heard above the rest.  
  
"PROFESSOR! YOU'VE GOT YOUR STUTTER BACK!"  
  
Severus responded with a brisk "NO SHIT!" Then he turned to Quirrell, who was looking downright miserable. "Just prance around a bit. Minerva doesn't know how to dance either, so there won't be a difference."  
  
"Hey!" shouted Minerva, and threw a bit of wet kipper at Severus. It missed and hit Draco in the face but no one seemed to care. Quirrell brightened up a bit.  
  
"I can do Cossack." He said pleadingly. Minerva sighed.  
  
"Oh what the heck. Do Cossack if you really want." She settled. Quirrell looked as happy as an unhappy ghost can look and squatted in the beginning position.  
  
Everyone was interested now, because Cossack is that hard Russian dance that hardly anyone can do and they all wanted to make fun of Quirrell when he fell over. There was a dead silence.  
  
Quirrell began to dance Cossack. He must have been taught well because he never missed a step, much to the spectators' disappointment, and his turban made him look like a professional. He stopped, looking flushed with exhaustion but happy. Severus, however, was not so.  
  
"He must have been brought up with the bloody Russians to know that sort of crap!" He snapped.  
  
"Hey!" Quirrell replied meekly. "Quit dissing my family, you asshole."  
  
Snape was too shocked for words.  
  
I mean, does the bastard look Russian to you? 


	4. The Infuriating Rubber Bouncy Thing and ...

After everyone had recovered from the shock of seeing a dead man dance, they began to wonder who was next in line for humiliation.  
  
"Er... er... er... Draco! Truth or dare?" Quirrell finally asked. Ron kindly slammed Draco in the back of the head to wake him up.  
  
"Hm...? Wha? Oh... truth."  
  
"What is your favorite method of humiliation?" Quirrell asked. There was an outburst between Minerva and Severus, the latter disagreeing that the question be allowed.  
  
"Severus, it's a sodding game! If Quirrell gets a kick out of asking questions like that then let him ask the questions, you spaz!" Minerva yelled.  
  
"Listen. I refuse to allow questions like that. If the students grow up to be psychedelic killers like yours truly and Quirrell then don't blame me! And give my wand back, you retard!"  
  
For Quirrell had slipped Snape's wand off the table and was using it to conjure up one of those rubber bouncy balls. He went on to infuriate people by bouncing it persistently off anything within reach. The floor, the table, the head of the person sitting next to him...  
  
Draco was answering the question with relish.  
  
"This Truth or Dare game." Was what he said.  
  
Severus stood up, knocking his chair over.  
  
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY ARSE???" He yelled, pointing accusingly at his favorite student. Minerva, having been proved wrong for once, pretended not to have heard. Dumbledore was just looking thoughtful.  
  
"What? Did I say something wrong?" asked Draco, voicing the thoughts of all the students present. Snape stared at him.  
  
"Next comment, but one more remark like Mr Malfoy's and I will think up an especially sadistic punishment for you"  
  
"Ok, Professor Snape, truth or dare?" said Draco, who hand't really been listening.  
  
"Truth." Snape replied automatically. He hadn't quite got over the stroganoff.  
  
"What is YOUR favorite method of humiliation, Professor?" Draco asked.  
  
"I do not go for humiliating people unless they are Gryffindor, Longbottom, one of the Marauders or it is within a set class time." Snape answered delicately.  
  
Pause.  
  
"And quit with the bloody ball already!" The irate Potions Master shouted at the hapless late DADA teacher.  
  
"Sorry." Quirrell shrugged.  
  
"Geez! Do the deformed deceased have no life?" Severus asked, face flushed with anger.  
  
"Well, what do you think?" Quirrell retorted sarcastically.  
  
Snape glared at him before turning to Dumbledore.  
  
"Headmaster, truth or dare?" He asked.  
  
"Truth, please, Severus."  
  
"Alright. What..." Severus paused, thinking of a question. "What is your favorite Muggle T.V. program?"  
  
"Well... I'd have to say... Graham Norton., channel 4, 10pm weekdays"  
  
The students stared. Severus' demeanour faltered.  
  
"What? The chat show with the gay Irish manmaking sad jokes and laughing like a spaz?" He asked. Dumbledore frowned.  
  
"I believe we are talking at cross purposes here, Severu. I do not criticise what you choose to do with your spare time and you do not bad- mouth Graham Norton. Agreed?"  
  
Snape stared.  
  
"Professor, isn't Graham Norton that guy who talks to celebrities, plays pranks on innocent people and advertises porn stuff and viagra?" Harry asked. Dumbledore smile.  
  
"Yes indeed."  
  
Severus continued to stare.  
  
As well as a dancing dead man, an infuriating bouncy ball and a celebrity student, they had a horny headmaster.  
  
Ohshitohshitohshit.  
Author's Note: V Graham Norton is the name of an English chat show, of which Graham Norton himself is the host. If you are from Britain, I advise you to start watching V Graham Norton on channel 4, 10pm weekdays.If you are not from Britain then this chapter was a bit of a waste of time. Sorry.  
  
Graham Norton is indeed gay. He celebrated his 40th birthday a few days ago although some say he looks about 20. He has a great sense of humor, makes wonderful jokes, looks amazingly like someone I know and was voted as having the worst wardrobe in Britain. Picture cans be found at www.channel4.com/graham.  
  
Sorry about that shameless plug. Onto the interesting bit. Every few chapters I will answer reviews from the previous chapter(s) I will not say when I am doing it or give any notice. It will be a random surprise. It is mainly to encourage people to review.  
  
~x~X~x~X~x~ Reviews for Chapter 3  
  
Samantha Ann:- Random is what I do best ;)  
  
HP-lover420:- I'm writing, I'm writing!  
  
Harrypottermagic32:- I am a bit busy but I'm working on writing chapters quicker.  
  
Rowz:- It's you! Back again! Hiiii!!! *waves* Merry Christmas, whenever it was. We learn something new every day, don't we? Yes, Cossack is Russian.  
  
Beauty-Queen1979:- It was meant to be funny and strange, dah-lin'. Sorry if the thong and the whip disturbed your mental views. I didn't mean it! *grins*  
  
Alie:- thank you  
  
DaggerHeartedprincess:- I will write more! I promise! Thankz for the flattery. I perfect my funniness at school, morbid and slapstick. Unfortunately, while it is hilarious what I do, the teachers don't seem to think so. ;)  
  
Nakma:- You will be astounded because I am obeying your orders and... continuing!  
That's all for now. Ideas for dares and truth questions much appreciated. Otherwise I will live off the wit and imagination of my own brain. 


	5. Graham NortonLortonNortonLortonThing Wha...

After a slightly painful five minutes break in which everyone could go and get refreshments, and in which Severus had hit Quirrell hard on the head and stolen his rubber bouncy ball, everyone regrouped in the hall.  
  
"I believe it is my turn." Dumbledore said happily.  
  
"Yes, I believe it is. Unfortunately for the rest of us." Severus mumbled.  
  
"Ok... Minerva, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare." Minerva answered. Albus grinned evilly.  
  
"I dare you to kiss Severus." He sniggered. Minerva looked horrified. Snape looked up.  
  
"Feck off!" He snarled. "I'd rather open-mouth kiss a horse!"  
  
"That could be arranged." Quirrell said offhandedly. Minerva reluctantly moved towards Snape, before pausing suddenly.  
  
"Do I really have to do this?" She asked. Dumbledore nodded.  
  
"Curses on you, Albus, you wanker!" Severus hissed. Dumbledore frowned.  
  
"Severus, there are young impressionable minds here. Do not use that sort of language, please."  
  
While Severus stared at Dumbledore with his mouth open, Minerva quickly kissed him and then gagged, drinking down the beer on the table in front of her as though it was a poison antidote. Severus looked horrified.  
  
"I feel so...violated!" He complained, before taking a bite out of a soap bar to try and cleanse his mouth.  
  
Harry laughed.  
  
"Ye gods, Minerva, why did you have to use tongues?"  
  
Minerva blushed.  
  
"Sorry about that, Severus, I got carried away."  
  
"Too damn right." Severus mumbled.  
  
At that moment, the doors to the great hall burst open and three men walked in. One of them bounded ahead and yelled  
  
"Hello, you gorgeous creatures! How are you, you happy people, you!"  
  
It was a bit like a bouncy version of a hyperactive ferret, whoever it was.  
  
The other two were a bit more calm and collected, showing themselves as Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.  
  
"Hey, guys, we went round to the pub to get beer and we found this Muggle and he's good fun. I think you'll get on good with him." Sirius explained.  
  
"Can you tell us his name?" Dumbledore asked nicely.  
  
"Well, actually, he's pissed off his face and we haven't really been able to get much sense out of him but apparently, from what we can gather, his name is Graham Norton-lorton-norton-lorton-thing."  
  
"Ok then."  
  
"So, what niceties are going on here?" Remus asked.  
  
"We are playing Truth or Dare, also known as Let's Torture Snape!" Severus said, not without anger. Sirius nodded and sat down.  
  
"Sounds like a great game to me. Who's turn is it?"  
  
"Mine." Said Minerva sadly. "Sirius, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth for me, I have no idea what kind of dares you people have so I want to stay safe for the moment."  
  
"Ok, what is your most embarrassing secret?" Minerva asked. Sirius blushed.  
  
"I have fleas." He said dejectedly. Everyone laughed. Sirius was surprisingly quick at getting over the humiliation.  
  
"Are we doing double dare and that?" He asked. Albus nodded.  
  
"Ok, Rem, truth, dare, double dare, triple dare, promise to repeat or rainbow?" He asked. Lupin blinked.  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"Truth, dare, double dare, triple dare, promise to repeat or rainbow?"  
  
"Erm... promise to repeat, I guess."  
  
"Ok, you have to repeat this. 'When I get back to the cave I will go down to the pub and buy Sirius and Graham Norton-lorton-thing as many drinks as they like.'" Sirius grinned.  
  
"I hate you, I really do." Remus sighed.  
  
"You have to repeat." Harry said.  
  
"Fine. When I get back to the cave I will go down to the pub and buy Sirius and Graham Norton-lorton-thing as many drinks as they like."  
  
"Very good. Now you may go."  
  
"Hang on."  
  
Remus grabbed the Muggle and dunked his head into a conveniently placed barrel of water. The man surfaced, coughing, and Remus dunked his head twice more to sober him up.  
  
"Ok, that's better, Graham, truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth." Said the muggle.  
  
"Ok, no lies, who are you? Really?"  
  
"Graham Norton -" began the Muggle.  
  
"Oh, not Norton-lorton-norton-lorton-thing, then?" Ron asked.  
  
"No. Graham Norton, Irish, Comedian, 40, happy in life, single, gay."  
  
"Ok, one more question." Remus asked. "Do you do drugs?"  
  
"No, but I am an alcoholic." Came Graham's reply.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then why did you say it?"  
  
"Because I can. Now, my turn. Scowly looking black haired man over there, truth or dare?" Norton asked happily.  
  
"Who, me?" Severus asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Ok, what was your favorite song when you were younger?"  
  
Severus flushed bright red.  
  
"The spider one that goes 'There's a spider in the bath, a spider in the bath, I know he's only there because he wants to have a laugh!' I can't remember the rest."  
  
Everyone giggled insanely and Severus silently vowed to have a serious 'word' with the muggle after the game.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Queen Charlotte: Hey, yeah, I guess he does that.  
  
Slone: I'm sure yours is very good, I'll read it when I get a chance.  
  
Linwe Amandil: I'm writing! I'm writing!  
  
Benjis-Punk-Rock-Princess: No probs, I'm writing more right now!  
  
The Dark Evil One: Thank you! :)  
  
Alexa Donaghy: Oh, yeah. Albus is bad and he gets worse too ;)  
  
Willowfairy: Hey, don't worry, I snort sometimes too. *blushes*  
  
Prettypluto: Minerva and Severus did. I know it wasn't really a snog, but it will get better!  
  
Rowz: Don't worry about it, we all have lives to get on with!  
  
Selania: You don't say? Take a paper bag, it helps you breathe.  
  
Sariah Black-Fred Weasley's Girl: What the hell? 


	6. Is it not Hermione who usually has her n...

A/N: WOW! Overwhelmed by reviews, I was! Thank you to all my lovely reviewers, you will get a mention at the end of the chapter (I hope). Because of the sudden surge of people reading this, I've decided to add another chapter before you all come round my house with axes.  
  
Note: Some of these ideas were submitted in reviews with people requesting that they be used. If you have ideas, just say and I will be happy to try and weave them into the story.  
  
Severus glared at all the people giggling at him because of the spider song. Was it his fault that he was a bit socially deprived as a child?  
  
"LOOK, IS IT MY FAULT I HAD A MORTAL FEAR OF THE DAMN SPIDERS???" He yelled, only sending everyone into more hysterics apart from Ron.  
  
"I can sympathise with you there, Professor." He said. Severus slammed Ron's head into a chocolate gateau.  
  
"Oh, spare me the thought." He grumbled.  
  
About five minutes later, people began regaining their composure and stopped choking. Severus sighed.  
  
"About time. Albus, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare, methinks it is time to warm up the game." The Headmaster replied.  
  
"I dare you to open mouth kiss that muggle, whatsisname, Graham." Severus smirked evilly.  
  
Graham had just managed to come up from under the table, having been on all fours laughing. As soon as Dumbledore's dare was announced, he disappeared back under it with record speed.  
  
"Look, I know I'm gay but that really is going too far!" He was heard to complain.  
  
"Ron?" Harry asked his flame - headed friend. "Do you think we should help here?"  
  
The two of them grabbed Graham and hauled him roughly upright in front of Dumbledore. Graham was struggling and protesting.  
  
"Ah, c'mon, have mercy will you? That thing belongs up a horse's rear end, not on my face! Leave me alone!" He whimpered.  
  
Severus had his eyes tight shut as Dumbledore kissed Graham open mouthed. Only the sound of the hapless muggle coughing and choking told him that the dare had been done.  
  
"Ok, Mr Malfoy, truth or dare?" Dumbledore asked. Draco looked up warily.  
  
"Dare. I'm a daring guy."  
  
"Ok, I dare you to go and steal this book from the library." Dumbledore said, showing Draco a slip of paper.  
  
"McLearge's Guide to Eating Glue?" He asked incredulously. "No problem!" And with that he dashed off to the library.  
  
"Albus, that was mean." Minerva said, shaking her head sadly. "It'll be a miracle if he still has all his limbs!"  
  
As if proving her point, there was a scream from the library area and Draco came back looking miserable with McLearge's Guide to Eating Glue attached onto his nose.  
  
"New piercing, Malfoy?" Ron asked before collapsing in a heap with Harry, Hermione and Ginny.  
  
"Shud your faze, Weazlee. If I wanded a stubid insuld I'd ask for one. Ginny Weazlee, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare, I no wimp!" Ginny replied happily.  
  
"I dare you to kiss be." Draco said. Ginny frowned.  
  
"Well, ok, but we'll have to find a way to remove the book first. Any suggestions?"  
  
"Sure. Draco, stand up, do. This should work." Said Graham, getting out a spanner. Draco whimpered as Graham levered the book off his nose.  
  
"Thanks." Draco said gratefully, rubbing his nose and looking uncertainly at the book, which snapped merrily at the scraps on the table before scuttling off in the direction of the door. Hermione made to go after it, but Dumbledore stopped her.  
  
"Don't worry, Hagrid will bring it back after it begins to eat his lettuces."  
  
"You have to do your dare now, Ginny." Draco reminded her. Ginny smiled vaguely And kissed Draco on the lips for a very long time. Harry turned to the rest of the group.  
  
"Do you think they remembered to breathe? I'm sure Ginny's going a bit blue."  
  
When they broke apart Draco looked satisfied and Ginny just smiled vaguely and took a great, huge gulp from Graham's beer mug.  
  
"Excuse me, I do believe that's mine!" The muggle complained. And that gave Sirius an idea for a whole new game. However, before he could put it into action, Ginny turned to Snape.  
  
"Professor Snape, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare" Severus grumbled.  
  
"I dare you to have a bath."  
  
"WHAT??? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! ARGH!" Severus yelled as Remus and Graham, both grinning inanely, dragged him off to have his bath.  
  
Sirius turned to Dumbledore.  
  
"When they get back, I think we should play...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
CLIFFHANGER! I'm sorry, I had to do that.  
  
Right, onto the many reviewers:  
  
Saria Black-Fred Weasley's Girl: What the heck? Have you been taking your pills recently?  
  
Selania: What if she was one yard away and poked him with a stick?  
  
Lady Nassah: I think my brain has been in my head all your life *pokes head* yup, still there.  
  
Princess Jasmine: Did I write that?  
  
Lorelei Wood: Thank you, I try.  
  
Y2J-HBK: You know what I mean!  
  
Shasa Perino: I'm writing as you read!  
  
Beckie13: Nah, Betty's still around. You just have to look harder.  
  
No Comment: The updates are rolling in right now  
  
Kiwi: Thank you for your words of wisdom m(_._)m bows down.  
  
Thatslife: Then go read!  
  
Ken Potter: Great idea! I'll try and fit it in somewhere. *sings* Somewhere, over the raindobw. ok, I'll shut up now.  
  
Lady of the Dark Blood: Repeated reviews? You are so kind *huggles*  
  
Mykerinos: Hang on, disconnect before you die otherwise the bill will be HUGE!  
  
Djcati: Graham Norton does kick ass, that's why he's here *huggles to Graham* He didn't actually want to come in but I said that I'll buy him another spazzy suit so he reluctantly agreed.  
  
Lilolu: Random is my world. Sirius and his sheep?  
  
Fruity taquitas: *gives more* I'm writing!  
  
Jinx: I will, no worries  
  
QuEeN oF tHe UnIvErSe: I've played with my teachers. Well, we were all drunk and it was on holiday in Greece, so I guess they didn't actually realise.  
  
Princess-Anime: No worries, another chapter is bounding along  
  
The Arachibutyrophobic Elf: Jeez, your name is one helluva thing to type out, you know that? I will probably use your suggestion in the next chapter, but just daring Snape to have a bath in this one was fun!  
  
Cataclysmic: I love writing it and you love reading it. It's a win-win situation.  
  
Yami Magician Girl: Tell me about it, I haven't heard of that one. Good one for Sirius, though.  
  
Sky: Weeell, it isn't supposed to be a serious story. I doubt Quirrell would ever play with a bouncy ball, but...  
  
Kneh13: I'm adding, I'm adding!  
  
Queen-Ditz: You say you suck at suggestions but I beg to differ. I used you suggestion, it was classic. I don't think they will get together, but the kiss was great fun to write.  
  
CoMiCQueeN217: I aim to please.  
  
Gryffspopgurl: Thank you, I'm glad you think it's good.  
  
Venus725: Ooh, send a link, send a link, I am interested, honest!  
  
TheSunAndTheMoon: Yeah, Cossack is a real dance. I used to try and do it when I was playing netball and the ball was at the other end of the court, but I kept falling over. Handstands are much easier.  
  
Fireblade: Did you fall? Be careful you don't hurt yourself too bad!  
  
Sweetchick23: Updating! Updating!  
  
Marauderette: What, the song or the spider? It's a real song, catchy as well. I think it's for people who are scared of spiders (I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!)  
  
Serebii: Audition? What planet do you live on?  
  
Salem: Don't die, please! The paperwork I'd have to fill in is awful!  
  
Becki: I love Graham Norton, really, I do. He's the best on TV! He needs to have an OBE off the queen or something. He's so fun!  
  
THANKYOU!!!! To all my lovely reviewers, sorry if I missed anyone. Thank you so much, see you next chapter! 


	7. Probing inside minds and releasing the k...

A/N: The new game is just, like, a break from truth or dare. Truth or dare WILL return, I promise!  
  
"I think we should play I've Never!" Sirius said. Dumbledore looked thoughtful.  
  
"Well, as soon as Severus gets back from having his bath." He answered. There was a crash and a thud followed by a stream of swearing from the upstairs corridor.  
  
"Well, it sounds like they're nearly done." Quirrell said. Sure enough, seconds later, Severus, Remus and Graham re-entered.  
  
Severus' normally greasy hair was clean and fresh looking, and smelt rather oddly of opium, which is a sort of hallucigenic drug. He looked severely disgruntled.  
  
"I thought you said you didn't do drugs!" He complained to Graham, who grinned happily.  
  
"I don't. The shampoo was given to me by a friend."  
  
"It's making me see the pink bunnies!"  
  
"Well, you'll get over it."  
  
"I CAN SEE THE FECKING PINK BUNNIES!!!!!!!"  
  
"Calm down, Sev, it'll be ok!" Quirrell giggled.  
  
"THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
Minerva shoved a napkin in his mouth, conveniently shutting him up.  
  
"Sirius has had a good idea. We're all going to play I've Never. Now, I doubt Graham has ever heard of it, so I'll explain. Someone says 'I've never don something' and whoever has done it drinks beer. For instance, I say 'I've never scuba dived' then whoever has drinks to it."  
  
"Sounds like a good game to me." Graham shrugged.  
  
"Ok. Because Severus is ... indisposed, I'll start." Sirius said.  
  
"Why you?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Because it was my idea, go away." Sirius answered. Dumbledore turned to Severus.  
  
"Severus, are the pink bunnies being nice to you?"  
  
Severus' eyes rolled wildly as he whimpered round the cloth in his mouth.  
  
"Excellent. Off you go then, Sirius."  
  
"Ok... I've Never...geez, what have I never done? I've never... I've Never killed one of my teachers, that's one thing I never did."  
  
Harry drank his beer while Quirrell glared at him.  
  
"Ok, my turn." Harry smiled. "I've never tried to drown anyone in a bath."  
  
Graham and Remus drank beer, grinning evilly. Severus managed to give them his famous 'Basilisk Stare of Certain Death' before the pink rabbits and lapdancing squirrels came back and he shuddered and screwed his eyes shut. Quirrell also drank beer, which surprised everyone.  
  
"Who the hell did you try and drown?" Ron asked, amazed.  
  
"Well, it was the year I died and thingy was on my head and I tried to drown him by lying down in the bath before I realised he didn't actually need to breathe."  
  
"Right! My go!" Graham said, swigging beer although he didn't need to. "I've never killed and eaten live prey."  
  
Remus, Sirius and Minerva drank beer. Severus, who had a straw in his mouth alongside the cloth, sucked up some beer.  
  
"Erm...ok, Remus told me of his little wild days but why the hell have the rest of you done it?" Graham asked nervously.  
  
"Well, I had to live off the rats. Tasty little buggers they be." Sirius grinned.  
  
"I guess the cat in me got carried away..." Minerva whispered sheepishly, fiddling with her glass.  
  
"Goh hoes, I hink I hoz unk." Severus tried around his gag.  
  
"What the feck?" Ron asked. Hermione gave him some paper.  
  
"Here, write it down until the bunnies go away."  
  
Severus wrote: "God knows, I think I was drunk."  
  
Everyone giggled. The effects of the alcohol were beginning to kick in.  
  
"Well, you know, he probably wasn't." Sirius hiccupped. Severus frowned and threw a pig bone at him. Sirius caught it in his mouth and started gnawing it like a dog.  
  
"Riiiight..." Graham edged away from the gnawing man.  
  
"Me! ME! I've never... kissed someone of the same sex."  
  
Graham took a veeeeeeeeery big drink, being gay. Dumbledore drank and Hermione also drank. Graham glared at Dumbledore and took another drink to cleanse his mouth, but everyone stared at Hermione.  
  
"What? What? It was a dare! Honest!" She cried defensviely.  
  
"Yeah, sure." Draco was heard to mutter.  
  
"My turn, then." Hermioen said imperiously. "I've never slept with a teddy at fifteen years old!"  
  
Ron sheepishly took a drink.  
  
"You're kidding me!" Draco groaned, disgusted.  
  
"Nope!" answered Ron giddily, pulling out a battered tye-dye teddy bear. "His name's Benny Bear."  
  
"Oh, good God!"  
  
"I go!" Ron said enthusiastically, the only person not disturbed by his last comment. "I've never attacked the prime minister with a bit of hard chewing gum."  
  
"Look, I told you, I didn't mean it, ok?" Ginny yelled angrily, taking a drink. "I thought he was someone else. Anyway, he's crapped up the country so much he deserves it!"  
  
She had barely finished the sentence when she collapsed head first on the table. Severus began making indiscreet noises, obviously panicked. His eyes rolled madly and he made choking noises as the gag restricted his breathing.  
  
"Bring her round, Albus, and then we'll continue with the game. No, Severus, it was the alcohol, not the killer mice. Honestly!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
My apologies. Truth or Dare will be back as soon as they're all nice and drunk!  
  
Lovely reviewers!  
  
Chloe: Thankees, weird is my middle name. Well, the one after crazy and random and odd.  
  
Morianie: Yeah, what the hell. It would be a sad world if we couldn't laugh like idiots and get taken away to the loony bins *calls white-coated men*  
  
Kenshin: Fanny? Have you been watching the late night porn shows again, what have I told you about that?  
  
Elven Warrior: I'm glad I make you happy!  
  
Lady Nassah: Well, how lucky are you? Two chapters in one day! That's amazing for me. Hopelessly devoted to you? Isn't that a song?  
  
Draccy: Yeah, the spider song is a real song, but I seriously have forgotten the rest of the words!  
  
Selania: Well, what fun would it be without Sevvie torture?  
  
BaYer0rulz: I like torturing Sev so I will keep on torturing him. Muaha!  
  
Siriusrawkssox: I've Never, more chapter!  
  
Black Magician Girl: Either way suits me!  
  
Becki: *bends on knees* I'M SORRY GRAHAM! I didn't want to do that to him, but, hell! It was funny typing it.  
  
Jinx: *cowers and then brushes off threat* I've had so many threats like that I'm immune to them now. *has nervous breakdown when you look away* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH THEY'RE GONNA GET ME! 


	8. Snape is broken!

Albus used the combined powers of the revival spell 'Ennervate' and a bucket of iced water to bring Ginny round. She surfaced from the bucket, dripping wet and gasping.  
  
"Miss Weasley, it is your turn to do the 'I've Never' thing now." Minerva said, passing Ginny a towel. Ginny paused in the middle of drying her face.  
  
"What?" She asked in amazement. Her eyes drifted over Graham, who had been drinking constantly since she had fainted and was now gulping down his 8th pint, and Severus, with his cloth in his mouth and his eyes wide and fearful.  
  
"Do you not remember? We were playing I've Never and you passed out." Ron persisted. Ginny stared.  
  
"What?" She asked again. Remus checked her temperature.  
  
"Don't you remember Graham?" He questioned curiously. Ginny looked round.  
  
"Who?" She wondered. Graham lowered his mug, smiling and waving sarcastically.  
  
"Me, hi, over here, I know I'm small but, hey, you should be able to see me!" He taunted. Ginny remained blank.  
  
"Who's that man waving at me?" She asked, genuinely confuzzled. Graham gave up and went back to drinking.  
  
"Oh, well, minor hitch, let's carry on anyway." Sirius decided, clapping his hands together with anticipation. "I've never worn Superman underwear."  
  
Harry and Dumbledore tipped their glasses and drank. Everyone else stared.  
  
"Y'know, I didn't think they had Superman in the 1700s." Draco managed. Fortunately, Harry had the decency to look embarrassed.  
  
"I had second hand clothes, blame Dudley. They were his." He mumbled. The others ignored him, still staring at Dumbledore, who was remarkably unfazed by the whole experience.  
  
"Headmaster, do you have any explanation as to why you wore those pants?" Minerva hissed, trying to regain the Gryffindor respectability. Dumbledore opened his mouth to reply rationally but the effects of the alcohol were beginning to kick in.  
  
"HOLIDAY!!!" He yelled. Minerva hesitated.  
  
"Yes, we're on holiday. This is the Christmas holiday." She said tonelessly. "Why did you wear Superman stuff?"  
  
"I LIKE CAKE!!!" Dumbledore bellowed in response. Minerva looked skyward in despair.  
  
"Can you please answer the question?" She tried. Dumbledore frowned.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU??" He shouted.  
  
"Yes, I think I'll just stop talking to Professor Dumbledore now." Minerva muttered, burying her face in her hands. Dumbledore raved on.  
  
"WHERE AM I? WHAT'S THAT THING THERE? ARE THOSE MY FEET?" He hollered. Graham groaned, massaging his head trying to relieve the beginnings of his hangover.  
  
"Christ, let's just get him to sleep and continue the game!" He said eventually, picking up an empty box.  
  
"Come on, Albus, into your box."  
  
Graham put the box on Dumbledore's head and, immediately, there was snoring from within.  
  
"Right!" Said Lupin, relieved. "Truth or dare again, methinks. Sirius, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare, methinks it shall liven up our sad lives."  
  
"Methinks you will regret that." Said Remus, smirking.  
  
"Well, I think you're both idiots and you should shut up so we can continue the game!" snapped Hermione, exasperated.  
  
"I dare you to kiss Snape on the lips." Lupin grinned. Sirius and Severus blanched. Severus had just recovered from his pink bunny syndrome. He had just removed the cloth from his mouth but said, very quickly,  
  
"Can't kiss me, the evil rodent still 'ere."  
  
Before shoving the cloth back in. Lupin's grin widened.  
  
"Accio cloth!" He cast the spell, and the cloth whizzed past him to hit Ron in the back of the head.  
  
Severus froze in fear and Sirius miserably leant forwards and kissed him on the lips, pulling away as though he had been electrocuted. He then washed his mouth and face thoroughly with stagnant rainwater collected some weeks before in an old bowler hat.  
  
Severus was still frozen. Lupin poked him in the side and he made a 'phweeee k'plang' noise. Hermione frowned.  
  
"I'm sure he's not supposed to sound like that!" She said, stating the obvious. "We must have broken him. Does anyone know how we can fix him?"  
  
"YES!" yelled Graham. He jumped up and dropped his empty beer glass, which mildly concussed Harry. "I have just the way..."  
  
*****************************  
  
IMPORTANT A/N! Nothing serious, the story isn't going to stop or anything. I have a sort of challenge. I will dedicate the next chapter to anyone who can tell me what TV Program Dumbledore's ranting is paraphrased from.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
With thanks to the following:-  
  
Mooni: Hey, dying of laughter is the best way to go!  
  
Lupin's Girl aka Fan: Hunt me down? You don't know where I live, do you? *shifty eyes* I succumbed to the pink bunnies loooong ago.  
  
No Comment: okies, I'll do that.  
  
Me: review? Y'mean update?  
  
Artemis Snape: Methinks that will be good for the next chapter *grins at the methinks*  
  
Crookykanks: No worries, I can't spell proper when I'm sober! All the good long words? That's the power of spellcheck!  
  
TheSilverLady: To read is to obey!  
  
Misao: Well, I hope your stomach doesn't explode! Y'know, the paperwork I'd get for that is too much!  
  
Sky: What sort of ball were you thinking of? *narrows eyes* don't tell me, I don't want to know. ;)  
  
Dragongurl: You know the weird thing? I haven't bribed ANY of my reivewers... how strange... they do it of their own accord...  
  
Jinx: Erm... I have candy? *is hopeful*  
  
Embyr Black: To hell with it, if the dares are so bad I'll just boost the rating or let the peasants suffer! *deranged look* muahahaha! About the Voldiefarts thing, ah, sure, maybe I'll do that in one of the next chapters.  
  
Elven Warrior: I like to make people laugh, it's very fun.  
  
Dragon Faere: I used to have that habit until the clock fell off the wall and hit me on the head.  
  
Dragoneye: weeeeelll, at the end of chapters I run out of inspiration, then I wander round a bit, get more inspiration, and write another chapter.  
  
Le Pamplemousse: I think I will do the grapefruit thing, or sommat. Thanks for the suggestions! :D  
  
Ckat44: evil is as evil does (little Lockhart spoof there, sorry)  
  
Vampie: specially for you, I fixed Sev! He says 'buggeroff, go die yourself'. I don't know why, was it something you said? I'd advise against inhaling your retainer, I had one once and it was hard to swallow!  
  
Saria Black-Fred Weasley's Girl: You should stay on the pills a bit longer. Sirius and Snape kissed, good enough? There will be some gay action (why else is Graham there?)  
  
Aubyn Lin: I'm continuing!  
  
Lady Nassah: *huggles* I LOVE you! You go do whatever you like, you make me laugh too. By just putting in reviews that I make you laugh... hang on, that's backwards...  
  
PhoenixPadfoot89: You know, if you had any sanity you wouldn't want to know.  
  
Baby Anne: Yes, Graham N DOES show in the US! SCORE for us! Yeah, I videoed the Orlando Bloom one, I think it's in the video library under my bed somewhere. Like hell I know ^^;  
  
Linwe Amandil: Your review really made me laugh, ya know! Thanks for that.  
  
PhoenixGirl1234567: pointless is my life. My life is pointless. Well, actually, I have to entertain you lot before you rush at me with axes *cowers*  
  
Sunshine*Girl-Hermione: It would be a LND (Late Night Drama) like ER or something. Return of the Killer Dares. Hmm...  
  
Feenamon16: I'm underage, but it hasn't stopped meee! *flys away*  
  
Kalorna Enera: Please don't drown... I have enough paperwork already, and I'll be in a crisis if you sue...  
  
Turis: I'm rather attached to my head and I want to keep it that way ^^;  
  
Sugarcoatedcandy: thankess :) Yes, I think I might be able to fit that in somewhere.... *is thoughtful*  
  
Corey: I am a stupid bitch that has the power to make stuff happen *snaps fnigers and Quirrell's bouncy ball comes past, closely follwed by Quirrell* see?  
  
Sammy-Jo: I'M SORRY! I just run out of inspiration and post the chapter and then suddenly get more! It must be my evil side!  
  
KitK@t: Tell you what, I'll do that.  
  
Heat Wave on Ice: Thankees  
  
CoMiCQueeN217: yeah, it's a pub game for getting pissed quick.  
  
Nina: I don't really like writing 'go kiss your crush' it gets borin after a while. I prefer writing things that are a)fun to write and b) interesting to think up  
  
Draccy: Interesting suggestion, I'll definitely think about that one...  
  
Miss Melanie: That is a truth for her next chapter!  
  
Sweetchick23: I like both, I'll write both alternately.  
  
Becki: I wouldn't recommend it, the hangovers are quite phenomenal!  
  
Fire Star: I'm trying!  
  
Mykerinos: Well, I guess I have motivation. If I don't throw out the chapters quick then you lot will all come at me with sharpened bookmarks or something  
  
Ckat44: *raises eyebrows* is it the killer mice you associate with?  
  
Potter123: Thank you so much.  
  
WOW! SO MANY! Thank you to all the reviewers listed above and anyone I missed, sorry about that if I did! 


	9. Wolf Whistles! Get in there, Graham!

~This chapter is dedicated to both djcati and dawniky, as they both answered the question right. Question: What TV Series is Dumbledore's rant paraphrased from? Answer: FATHER TED!~  
  
Graham held some sort of electric-zappy-thing and was poking Snape in the back of the neck with it. Every so often Snape would jump and emit little squeaky noises like air being let slowly out of a hydrogen balloon. Finally, Graham stopped.  
  
"Ok, that should do it. Severus, truth or dare?" He said.  
  
"But it was my go!" Sirius protested. Graham shook his head.  
  
"Shut up. This is a test."  
  
"Truth." Severus answered, blinking and staring at perfectly normal things, like the chandeliers with the pixies on.  
  
"What was the stupidest thing you've ever said?"  
  
"Well, um...once I told a bush 'You're far too bushy. Look at you. You're just too fucking bushy.'"  
  
Harry felt his jaw drop.  
  
"You said that to a BUSH???" He yelled in disbelief. Severus nodded blankly and smiled at the beer glass that had concussed Harry.  
  
"Well done, beer glass. You seem to have made Potter more intelligent."  
  
Harry just snarled.  
  
"Ok, um. Quirrell, truth or dare?" Sirius asked. Quirrell came out of his daze.  
  
"Finally, someone asked me! Dare."  
  
"I dare you to go through the rest of the game topless!" Sirius said, snickering. Suddenly, he stopped, and kissed Minerva just to prove he wasn't gay.  
  
"I resent that, Sirius." Mumbled Minerva, wiping her mouth on the napkin. Sirius grinned.  
  
Graham watched with interest as the ghost took his shirt off (Random Author A/N: Phwoar!!!) and blinked in mild surprise at the tattoo that was on his chest.  
  
"Erm... why do you have a tattoo of a dragon on your chest?" Hermione asked sceptically.  
  
"Because I like dragons! Comprendez?" Quirrell snapped. He obviously had not taken lightly to being shirtless.  
  
Suddenly, Graham collapsed face down in the beer keg. Ron started.  
  
"Hey, shouldn't we get him out?" He asked uncertainly.  
  
"Relax." Draco said. "He's just drinking!"  
  
Two minutes passed.  
  
"...or maybe he does need our help" Draco concluded miserably. Unwilling hands lifted Graham carefully out of the beer keg, and he surfaced spitting and struggling.  
  
"Thanks a lot you bastards, just leave me in there to drown in beer why don't you?" He snarled at them.  
  
The sad thing is they didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or not.  
  
Quirrell poked Dumbledore by accident and woke him up.  
  
"DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!" Dumbledore started yelling. Harry slowly shook his head as he watched the man he respected most being drugged back to sleep by a convict, a werewolf and a gay.  
  
The three of them had become inseparable, obviously. Indeedly so.  
  
"Well so. Olé!" Shouted Graham for no particular reason.  
  
"...Should we not be getting back to the game?" Ginny asked. Someone nodded and she shrugged, asking Graham.  
  
"Truth or Dare?"  
  
"Um... dare, methinks I am partially suicidal at this moment in time." Graham said, his Irish accent more pronounced than usual.  
  
Probably because he was faking it.  
  
"I dare you to... open-mouth kiss Snape!" (Random Author AN: I only added this because you lot were all begging me for gay action - and I have a gay, what more do I need?)  
  
Severus' mouth made a kind of 's' shape as he looked decidedly unhappy.  
  
"Why is it always me you centre this gay business on? Look, Dumbledore made me do that weekend fling with McG - surely you don't need more proof that I'm straight?"  
  
Ginny smiled nastily.  
  
"Ok, change that dare to make Se-Professor Snape feel more comfortable, I mean, we wouldn't want him to break again, would we?"  
  
Severus gave her his famous Basilisk-Stare.  
  
"I dare Graham to kiss everyone in the whole room!" She said, dramatically throwing her arms wide and suspiciously reminding everyone of a Magic Roundabout flick.  
  
Graham's eyes were like little brown lakes of argh.  
  
"No... please? I'm gay, is that not punisshhment enough?" He asked, slurring slightly under the effects of alcohol.  
  
Hermione suddenly and quite randomly interrupted the flow of conversation.  
  
"It's like those Master Card commercials, isn't it? Hogwarts books: 20 Galleons; Firewhiskey: 10 Sickles; Playing "Truth or Dare" and "I've Never" with your freaky friends, a psychopathic Transfiguration professor, a horny headmaster, a bath-hating lunatic, a reincarnated professor, a gay talk show host, an escaped convict, and a werewolf while you are all drunk: Priceless..."  
  
The assorted Magical People just looked at her.  
  
"Hermione" said Harry. "I hasten to remind you that no one here has a donkey's back arse what you're on about except Graham and he's too pissed for it to register properly."  
  
"Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot..." Hermone said looking sheepish. "Just forget I ever said anything, Graham, do your dare."  
  
Everyone continued staring at her for a bit more before finally pestering Graham to do his dare.  
  
"Look, I'm famous, I shouldn't have to do this." Graham protested. Severus very kindly explained that no one in the wizard world had heard of him and his dare was one kiss per capita. If per capita was a problem then decapita could be arranged.  
  
"Oh, fine, but I want compensation, you sick bastards." Graham grumbled.  
  
"Oooh, look who's talking!" Ginny whispered to Draco.  
  
Graham, miserably watched by McGonagall, who was making very threatening gestures with her wand, kissed all the females in the room very quickly, barely touching them at all.  
  
Then he mooooooooooved (sorry, got carried away) on to the male students, then quickly just gave Dumbledore a bit of paper saying 'IOU' and paused, drinking more beer.  
  
"Gods, only three to go." He muttered to himself, kissing Lupin and Sirius, who looked a bit scared, before moving on to Snape.  
  
"Saved the best till last." He mumbled quickly before kissing Severus and going and sitting in the corner reading the assorted graffiti on the wall.  
  
"Oh, hang on, little mad boy, over there..." He said, waving his hand vaguely to his left.  
  
"Me?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yeah, T or D?"  
  
"D, I think, though if you make me kiss anyone then I will be forced to kill you."  
  
"Fine, fine, I'm not as twisted as your excuse for a friend over there anyway. Um, I dare you to do the wossname flick from Pecker, you know, with the fucking rats."  
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I used to have a friend who was a rat, they aren't that bad!"  
  
"No, but in Pecker they literally are fucking!" Graham said. Harry groaned.  
  
"You mean I have to make the rats fuck?" He asked.  
  
"No, no, just take pictures."  
  
"Yeah, like hell you aren't sick and twisted." Said Harry unhappily, conjuring some horny rats and a camera.  
  
He took the photos and sent the camera off to the Dark Room, a little insignificant room where the cameras are kept and undisciplined children are sold as slaves to work in the film processing.  
  
Now they just had to wait for the results...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Author's Note~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
right, I can't be bothered to do review replies at the moment because it take too long and you lot don't seem too patient for this chapter. If I took longer you'd have my head on a stake for sure.  
  
Also, it has come to my attention that someone, not mentioning any names *coughRASTACHICKcough* has been using reviews for this story as plugs for someone else's story.  
  
Please please PLEASE do not do this, it takes up review space and it takes up my time reading and deleting the bloody thing.  
  
If you want to make plugs then either do it on your own website, your own fanfiction page or just bugger off!  
  
Muchas gracias, as our little Spanish Friends say  
  
~Spunkz~ 


	10. Irish Stew is more punishing than Capita...

Authors Note: I am going on holiday so there will be a pause in the updates. Shot gun? What shot gun - *drops dead*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry nervously waited for the photos to come out of the dark room and a little bouncy furby-type thing bounced up and said, in a squeaky voice not unlike Flitwicks',  
  
"Much sorrys, the printer run out of ink has done. Photos you must wait until, tomorrow probably. Time we your thank for your..."  
  
It bounced back off again.  
  
Ron was still trying to work out what it had said when Harry asked him the dreaded question.  
  
"Hey, Ron, truth or dare?"  
  
Ron pondered this question for a while. Granted, it wasn't as hard as the Potions Essay Snape had set them a week back, but it was still quite tough.  
  
"Erm, Truth, I'm allergic to rats anyhoo." He said finally. Harry sniggered.  
  
"Okies... what is the must embarrassing thing you've ever done but never told any of your family?" Harry asked. Ron blushed.  
  
"Erm, I - my - erm... my - erm... thingy..... it - erm - looks a bit like a vegetable - erm - turnip - and I used to - erm - hide in the - erm - grocery stall - erm - and - I - my ... scare the children..."  
  
Severus fell off his chair laughing. Graham knelt down in front of Ron and clasped his hands together as though praying.  
  
"Please can you come on my show? You're just the sort of random arsehole that makes it a success." He begged. Ron just stared.  
  
"Um...ok..."  
  
For the rest of the afternoon, someone just have to mention the word 'turnip' to sent everyone into fits of hysterics.  
  
Ron, blushing, turned to Draco.  
  
"Malfoy, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare, I don't want to embarrass myself by telling you all about my family traumas." Draco drawled. Ginny grinned.  
  
"Nah, you'll just embarrass yourself by doing a stupid dare. This is a Weasley we're talking about."  
  
"Ok, Malfoy, I dare you to do the bullfights." Said Ron, conjuring up a black bull and somehow turning Draco into a Matador."  
  
"What in the name of holy arse?" Draco cried, waving his nice new red cloth about unwittingly.  
  
The bull saw the flappy cloth and ran at Draco, who lost his nerve and ran round and round the hall being chased by the killer bull. Lupin saw the nametag on the bull's ear.  
  
"You called your mad, wild killer bull Flopsy?" He asked Ron. Ron smiled happily and nodded.  
  
"Yeah. From the Peter Rabbit books. I have five killer bulls called Peter, Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottentail and Benjamin Bunny."  
  
Remus immediately wrote an owl to St Mungos.  
  
Draco was still running from the bull, watched by the Gryffindors, Sirius, Severus and Graham. Graham was more into it than anyone else, shouting 'olé' and jumping about waving an Ireland flag.  
  
"To tell you the truth, soccer isn't my world at all and all I know about boxing is that it's not 'someone may punch you' I mean, that's the whole point. Olé" He babbled pointlessly.  
  
No one asked him what the hell he was on about. They just ignored him, putting it down to the alcohol. Little did they know he was always like this.  
  
Flopsy the bull was tiring, as Draco's stamina was boosted because he was running to save himself being mangled. Flopsy suddenly keeled over, legs straight in the air, and gave a kind of squeak/roar as his energy-loss made him disapparate.  
  
Draco gave a kind of ragged cheer, but his happiness soon turned to mild fear as he realised Ron was angry because Flopsy was hurt.  
  
Ron, turning into a kind of possessed Hagrid obsessing over his pets, chased Draco round some more until Draco was sure that he had died of dizziness. There was a little worn through circle on the carpet where he had been running.  
  
"Reparo." Severus said, sounding bored.  
  
The bouncy furby thing bounced back, handing the photos to Graham, who bit his lip and snickered insanely before giving them to Harry.  
  
They were nice, moving photos of the two very friendly rats, which had somehow discovered bondage.  
  
Harry's mouth made the infamous 's' shape of um before he ritually burn - sacrificed the photos to Osiris.  
  
Draco, having regained his breath, turned to Remus who had been getting off rather lightly on the dare front.  
  
"Professor Lupin, truth or dare?" He asked. Remus paused and then answered  
  
"Dare" in a very unsure nervous voice.  
  
"I dare you to eat something cooked by Graham."  
  
Graham froze and then said  
  
"Are you sure you want to inflict this on the poor bugger? I'm Irish, you know, we cook things like potatoes. Anyway, the only thing I can cook is Irish Stew."  
  
Everyone in the room shuddered.  
  
"Please don't make me eat the Irish Stew..." Remus begged. Draco smirked.  
  
"Just cook it, Graham."  
  
Everyone had to wait for a while as Graham cooked the Irish Stew the muggle way, being as (drum roll) he is a muggle. Then Severus and Drac tied Remus to a chair and spoon fed him the stew.  
  
Remus was protesting violently as Graham watched, not without a feeling of impending dread.  
  
"You *cough* you - you - *hack hack* will - you - kill - *retch* full - moon *choke* you - kill - spoon - *urgh urgh* shitehole!"  
  
Even in the drama of the moment, Graham couldn't help wondering.  
  
"Shitehole? What fresh hell?"  
  
Minerva suddenly and very randomly poked Quirrell and asked him to help her read a strange word.  
  
"Cwm - byr - Llaffrywn?" Quirrell read. "What in the name of pink bananas is Cwn - byr Llaffrywn?"  
  
"Don't look at me, that's Welsh." Graham said , shaking his head.  
  
"You know, I heard on the Muggle radio one time that there was no such thing as the Welsh." Harry said conversationally. "It said the Welsh were just Scottish and English that couldn't spell, and though they called themselves Welsh, everywhere else in the world they were called dyslexic."  
  
"Oi!" Hermione snarled, being part Welsh.  
  
"Hey, I never said it was true! I just heard it on the radio!"  
  
Hermione had her wand whipped out and pointed at Harry but she suddenly realised the time and the date on the Lunar Chart before looking at the figure in the chair surrounded by Irish Stew.  
  
"Holy shit!" She cried. Remus was no longer Remus but a big hairy canine creature with bad breath and a worse temper.  
  
"Run, Graham! Run!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Way - hey! I just got back from Wales (the torture)  
  
Thank you to all my reviewers! Thank you to all people who have given me ideas and comments, I love you all.  
  
Look, it's Graham Norton himself come to say hi!  
  
GN: Yeah, Spunkz raided my house and forced me to come be her pet for the next however many years. So she forced me in this story and I must say. You people must have really really sad lives if you have nothing to do apart from read this shi -  
  
Me: Yes, well, enough said there. Graham's still a bit bitter about the whole Dumbledore thing.  
  
GN: Too Godsdamn right!  
  
Me: Shut up now Graham, we have to go write the next chapter!  
  
Both: *leave* 


	11. Hooray, Christmas Eve, I'm out of my min...

Graham found himself running wildly, trying to escape the amazingly pissed off werewolf chasing him. The thoughts that maybe the gym wasn't so useless after all rose unbidden into his head.  
  
"Bugger off!" He snapped at them.  
  
Hermione was trying to subdue Remus with her silver necklace, not realising that it was cheap, tacky pewter. Graham tried reasoning with his pursuer.  
  
"Look, I didn't bugger up the stew on purpose! I can tell you, you are impressing no one with this type of behaviour! Don't just stand there laughing, you arsehole! Do something!"  
  
Draco, the one addressed by Graham, conjured up a deckchair and sat watching.  
  
"I didn't mean that!" Graham groaned. Minerva, who was getting bored, shone an indiscreet silver...thing at Remus, who whined and sat next to Sirius. Graham flopped, panting, on a chair.  
  
Dumbledore, who had sought of the affects of enchanted sleep, woke up and began rubbing his head.  
  
"Oww!! How much did I drink?" He moaned. "What on earth was I doing last night and who was I doing it with?"  
  
There was an awkward silence.  
  
"I'll explain later." Minerva said, not wanting to break to Dumbledore that he had been made to kiss a gay man.  
  
Ron and Harry were doubled up in fits of hysterical laughter.  
  
"How shall we fend for our fine food when our Food Feed has been filched by a furtive fury fiend, Crab of Ineffable Wisdom?" Harry asked Ron.  
  
"Follow the furtive fury fiend and face so you force him to forsake the Food Feed for the fine Food we fend for." Ron answered jokingly. Both of them burst into insane creepy giggles. Dumbledore glanced at them.  
  
"Just...what?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Fancy a game of Quidditch, Harry?" Ron asked his friend.  
  
"Your mother sucks dogs in hell, Professor Gibbigong!" Harry growled, making a face like a vampire. Both of them giggled again.  
  
"Oh, grow up!" Severus snapped.  
  
"Mr Snape is very cross." Ron pointed out.  
  
"Indeed." Harry admitted.  
  
"What d'you reckon happens to naughty students gone astray?" Ron asked.  
  
"Uncle Sev fries them alive with his Hex Vision!" Harry answered, collapsing into another bout of giggles with Ron.  
  
"Um...right." Said Minerva uncertainly, turning away from the now hiccupping couple.  
  
"Can I put my shirt back on now, I'm cold!" Quirrell complained.  
  
"No you can not!" Ginny cried, before blushing madly and wandering off towards the other end of the table, where Sirius and Hermione were turning Draco into a Potato and back.  
  
"How the hell can you get cold, you're a ghost!" Minerva snapped.  
  
"Don't remind me."  
  
"Oh, it's Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve, I'm out of my mind!" Sirius said happily.  
  
"Graham...?" Dumbledore asked, smirking in a way that would have made Slytherin himself proud.  
  
"No! I refuse to dress up as a leprechaun tomorrow!" Graham shook his head.  
  
"You did for Dolly Parton." Dumbledore reminded him.  
  
"Well, she was dressed as a reindeer. Anyway, she's Dolly Parton. You don't say no to Dolly Parton!" Graham protested.  
  
"Well, I'm Albus Dumbledore and you don't say no to me either." Snapped Dumbledore, making a very threatening gesture with his wand at a certain body part Graham would very much like to keep intact at the moment.  
  
"But they poke me with a stick; they make me." Graham answered, trying one last feeble protest.  
  
"I'm making you too, and trust me, if this stick pokes you then you will be in a considerable amount of pain and you will have to change your name to Greta." Dumbledore threatened, indicating his wand, which was still pointed at Graham's nether regions.  
  
Graham buried his head in his hands as defeat before he noticed the time.  
  
"Good god, it's half ten!" He whispered, amazed. "We should all go to bed now!"  
  
Dumbledore conjured up some purple sleeping bags and Graham placed his next to the students' instead of the adults, being as he was feeling threatened by not only Remus but also Dumbledore as well, and that Quirrell bloke looked very dodgy.  
  
And, by the expression on Snap's face, he was more than capable of child- murder, so the students needed someone to protect them. Graham tried this reasoning and it sounded good enough to let him sleep by the children.  
  
"Merry Christmas Eve everyone!" Someone shouted. About thirteen different hexes hit the person and he/she fell silent.  
  
Graham had to endure Ron and Draco, who had somehow become quite friendly and were talking about Quidditch.  
  
"D'you remember, Ron, Cork Camels? They won the Fenchinius Lana cup! Fenchinius Lana... thing is, he looked like a cup! Great big ears, like handles." Draco chuckled. Ron answered.  
  
"Yeah, I remember him. Didn't he have a mate, Gasgon Thea? He looked like a wand had exploded in his face, great big red blotches and puffy fish lips bigger than the rest of his head.  
  
"Yeah, old trout pout."  
  
Graham wondered if he would be able to go the night without causing one of them serious injury or perhaps death. By apoplexy. Even ulcer could be fatal.  
  
Ah, well, better give it a try.  
  
Here goes...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Author note~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
If you want to see a picture of Graham Norton dressed up as a leprechaun with Dolly Parton, then just email me at voregan@whsmithnet.co.uk and I'll be happy to send you one (or two)! 


	12. And all the bells of Hogwarts shall ring...

Date: Christmas Day  
  
Time: 6.30 am  
  
Everyone was woken up by Severus' awful cries of rage, indignation and promises to murder the Gryffindors. He had woken up to find his hair had, somehow, been changed so instead of it's usually black, it was Gryffindor colours. Sirius and Remus had, for some reason, moved their sleeping bags away from him and towards Graham and the students.  
  
Graham had managed to get through the night without causing serious injury to the infuriating little pricks surrounding him. He was having a nice dream about sexy men in leather pants when a roar suitable of a lion woke him up as Severus noticed his hair colour.  
  
Sleepy - eyed students and yawning teachers crowded round the irate man, leaving him with quite a wide space between them. Minerva tried reasoning with him.  
  
"Come on, Severus, it doesn't look that bad! It kind of suits you, actually....." She said pleadingly.  
  
"WELL, YOU WOULD SAY THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? IT'S YOUR FECKIN HOUSE THAT I'VE BEEN FECKIN CURSED WITH!!!" Severus yelled at her, not in the least bit calmed. Her sentence had made him even angrier, if that was clinically possible. His dark, emotionless eyes were misting over, filling with emotions that not even Satan could behold. The students nearest him whimpered. Graham wrote an RIP for himself.  
  
Luckily, Severus' wrath was deflected from the innocent and driven towards the guilty. Namely, Sirius and Remus, who was still in wolf - form as the moon was still up.  
  
"CHANGE IT BACK YOU WANKERS!" Severus yelled at Sirius, who was helpless with fits of giggles.  
  
"I can't. It's permanent." Sirius managed through the laughs. Severus' face contorted more, again seen as impossible by the psychologists.  
  
"WHAT???" Severus almost screamed in fury. Sirius looked Severus in the face and saw a promise of suffering in the black eyes that made even him want to piss his pants. He gave a kind of horrified half-giggle.  
  
"H'hee. No, it'll wear off by tonight, it's just our Festmas christations, I - I mean our Christmas Festations."  
  
"You. Have. A. Tree." Severus pointed out icily.  
  
"No... yes, I mean, well... ok, we just don't like you..." Sirius concluded lamely. Severus waved his wand and succeeded in turned Sirius in to a caterpillar.  
  
The caterpillar immediately started weaving a cocoon in the knowledge that instead of hatching as a butterfly, he would hatch as a Sirius.  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly in such a scarily good impression of Professor Umbridge (who had gone back to the Ministry of Magic for Christmas... look, don't ask, it's not Canon! it's a fanfic, leave me alone!) that many students a) looked round in shock and b) wondered why the hell Dumbledore sounded like a woman and liked snogging men.  
  
Hmmm...  
  
"Hem hem! I think that the... invigorating... Truth or Dare game be postponed..." Dumbledore began, to multiple groans from the students which soon turned to cheers as he finished his sentence. "...while we open presents, eat, open more presents, eat more, get on the festive fun and eat again!"  
  
And Dumbledore transfigured Graham, who was trying to crawl out of the door unnoticed, into his lovely leprechaun outfit from Dollywood.  
  
"Oi!" Ron shouted, annoyed with the distractions. "Oi! Boozer! Presents now!"  
  
"Yes, indeed, oh Crab of Ineffable Wisdom." Harry said, bowing down. Quirrell gave a yell of surprise.  
  
"Look! I have presents! I have presents! Someone actually forgot I died!" He cried, in some sort of ecstasy. Severus rolled his eyes, turning to his own pile which were all wrapped in Slytherin colours and contrasted nastily with his bright Gryffindor hair.  
  
Graham looked miserably at everyone's present piles. Even Sirius and Remus had a pile each for when they recovered from their...encounters with nature. Because no one in the Muggle world knew where he had disappeared to, no one in the Muggle world had sent in presents.  
  
No one in the MUGGLE world.  
  
"Hey, Graham!" Hermione called. "Your pile's over here!"  
  
"I have prezzies?" Graham asked in astonishment, rushing over to see them. The first one, from Severus, was a bit of a letdown. It was a Muggle-Poison potion. Graham screwed his face up at it and threw it in the bin, deciding it would be much safer not to approach the annoyed Potions Master while he had red and gold hair.  
  
Severus had received, against popular expectation, quite a few presents, though most of them were from fellow Death Eaters.  
  
"Dear Seviki missing you already love Crabbe" said Severus, reading a random note. "That's not right. In fact, that's just plain fucked up."  
  
Harry got a dead woodlouse from the Dursleys, an all time low which was surprising as he hadn't done anything to piss them off since July, when he came home alive AGAIN.  
  
Dumbledore was very happy with his presents. Harry had rallied round everyone in the school, telling them to send him socks. There were pink ones, blue ones, ones that bit your ankles (bet those were from Severus, the prick - Albus thought as the killer socks bit their way up his legs)  
  
Possibly the most interesting present of the whole day belonged to Severus. It seemed a team of Death Eaters had got together with Voldemort himself and had sent him a virtual Death Eater as a Christmas present.  
  
The Virtual Death Eater cursed virtual muggles and tortured virtual mudbloods on a viewing screen (like any normal Death Eater) but proved especially useful to Albus as revenge for the socks because it kept throwing out the odd Cruciatus curse or dangerous jinx at Snape.  
  
The thing was also especially useful for the Order of the Phoenix, as Voldemort had foolishly put the time, date and whereabouts of all Death Eater meetings in the near future. Death Eaters weren't the only ones who would be going to those meetings now. There would be a full compliment of Aurors there also.  
  
"Well, that's that!" Dumbledore said happily, waving his wand and sending everyone's presents up to their dormitories. "On with the celebrations!"  
  
He pointed his wand threateningly at Graham's crotch area and Graham miserably walked up on stage.  
  
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose! Like a lightbulb!  
  
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed! LIKE A LIGHTBULB!" Graham sang sadly.  
  
"All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. LIKE PINOCCHIO!  
  
They wouldn't let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games!"  
  
To Graham's utter delight, Hermione jumped up on stage dressed as a reindeer and took over for a couple of lines. Graham's confidence rose dramatically.  
  
"Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to stay! (Ho Ho Ho)" Hermione sang. "Take it!"  
  
"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" Graham answered. They finished in a nice duet.  
  
"Then all the other reindeer laughed and shouted out with glee!  
  
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, you'll go down in hii-stoor-ieee!" the concluded, and, to hearty clapping from Dumbledore, Graham kissed Hermione on the cheek. Hermione blushed.  
  
"Crab of Ineffable Wisdom, who do you suggest goes next?" Ginny asked her brother.  
  
"Quirrell, he hasn't had some punishment for a while."  
  
"Oh, fine." Quirrell said sulkily, floating up to the stage.  
  
"Casper, the friendly ghost, the friendliest ghost you know. La la la la lala la la la and children all love him so! He always says 'HELLO!' and he's really glad to meet you. Wherever you may go, he's kind to every living creature. Grown ups don't understand, but children love him the most. La la la lala la la la. Casper the friendly ghost!"  
  
There was a stunned silence.  
  
"Well, I don't see what it has to do with Christmas but I sure see the relevance to Quirrell." Harry managed. "Though I wouldn't exactly call him friendly."  
  
"Oi!" Quirrell snapped. "I resent that!"  
  
"I think that Ginny and Graham should sing Islands in the Stream duet!" Draco hollered, transfiguring Ginny so she was in a reindeer costume not unlike Hermione's, except maybe a bit more tightly fitting.  
  
Ginny and Graham walked up on stage, Graham's self-confidence boosted dramatically because he wasn't the only one singing. Ginny started.  
  
"Baby when I met you there was peace unknown  
  
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb  
  
I was soft inside  
  
There was something going on" She nodded at Graham, who took over in his (surprisingly) gruff singing voice. (Author A/N: Hey, if you ever heard Graham Norton speak you will know how surprising it is that his singing voice is gruff)  
  
"You do something to me that I can't explain  
  
Hold me closer and I feel no pain  
  
Every beat of my heart  
  
We got something going on"  
  
Ginny and Graham sang together for the chorus.  
  
"Islands in the stream  
  
That is what we are  
  
No one in between  
  
How can we be wrong  
  
Sail away with me  
  
To another world  
  
And we rely on each other , ah ha  
  
From one lover to another , ah ha"  
  
And, to wild applause, Graham kissed Ginny, who blushed like Hermione, on both cheeks, the two took a bow and the sun began to rise over the mountains...  
  
...to be continued...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Author Note~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
If anyone here has seen Graham goes to Dollywood, you will know that he did actually sing Islands in the Stream and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with Dolly Parton and his singing voice is actually remarkably low compared to his normal voice.  
  
The wonders of Ireland, huh? 


	13. The revenge of the cool cucumber

There was one present left in the corner. Remus and Sirius had opened theirs, being now in fit state to do so. But this one present in the corner was huge, and no one seemed to be able to work out who it was addressed to.  
  
"Hang on, one sec... Graham! It's for you!" Dumbledore said, eying the fading writing along with the "Fragile! This Way Up!" and the arrow pointing towards the floor.  
  
Graham opened the top and pulled out some human feet with a complementing body attached, before groaning and dropping the person on her head.  
  
"Not you!" He whimpered. The girl grinned manically and brushed herself off. Everyone else was just staring, like some sort of conjuring trick had taken place, though instead of a bunny out of a hat, Graham had pulled the author out of the box.  
  
"So nice of you." She sneered sarcastically.  
  
"Who is this?" Remus asked.  
  
"Some fan girl slash stalker. I think. She keeps writing to me and sending me weird thinks like cakes called Otis Spunkmeyer. She calls herself Pixie. Gods know why."  
  
"Well, I used to call myself Spunkz to him, but he asked me if I was really that desperate so I changed it to my school nickname, Pixie. See?" the author said, as though it was the most blatantly obvious thing in the world. Which it was. Duh.  
  
"Spare me the thought." Graham moaned.  
  
"Shut up. Anyhow, what were you guys doing? Having an orgy?"  
  
"You should know. You're the author." Quirrell pointed out.  
  
"I know but I have a short term memory. Argh! Who the fuck are you?" Pixie asked hysterically. Severus had loomed in front of her vision in his own special way.  
  
"Professor Severus Snape." He said stoically.  
  
"Charmed. Did you know there's a book called "Cuss Control?" They have all sorts of funny alternatives to swearing."  
  
"Like what?" Snape asked wearily, interested despite himself.  
  
"Try: 'I don't think that's feasible,' instead of: 'No fucking way!' And try: 'I'll stay up late and get this done' instead of: 'When the fuck do you want me to do this?' My personal favourite is try: 'I wasn't involved with that project' instead of: 'it's not my fucking problem!'"  
  
Minerva had had enough.  
  
"I have chew toys." She said simply. Pixie grinned.  
  
"Wheeeeeeee!"  
  
Dumbledore stepped forward.  
  
"Lets play truth or dare again. I'm bored and I have a hangover and also vague recollections of kissing Graham."  
  
Pixie turned an enraged eye on the man.  
  
"you kissed THAT???"  
  
"Shut up." Said Dumbledore, rubbing his head. "Severus, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare." Was the emotionless answer.  
  
"Pay a ten pound fine or take a chance." Dumbledore said. Severus blinked.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Sorry, wrong game. I dare you to take the lucky dip of 99.9%-death-or-at- least-certain-misery"  
  
Snape's brain worked out what had just been said.  
  
"And if I don't?"  
  
"I'll set Graham on you."  
  
Graham frowned.  
  
"What am I now, some sort of dog?"  
  
"Shut up, Lassie." Dumbledore said offhandedly as he conjured up the fabled lucky dip. Snape plunged his hand in, pulling out a slip of paper.  
  
" ' hahahahahahahah get drenched you bastard'?" He read. "Sometimes I worry about you, Albus."  
  
Harry grinned at Severus.  
  
"You were lucky, sir. I've seen some of the things in there and they aren't as nice."  
  
There was no time for any more conversation as Dumbledore threw a bucket of water over Snape. Graham, who was opposite Albus, shouted "NO!" but, because the mere fear of humans was not enough to stop gravity, apart from in some rare cases in the far east where people levitate to avoid the Curse of the Angry Wife, the water soaked him anyway.  
  
"I didn't really work out the projectory of that water, did?" He asked. "I thought 'he's throwing it over him. It'll never reach me!"  
  
Unfortunately, it had done.  
  
"Pixie, truth or dare?" Severus asked the new comer.  
  
"Truth. I can remember some of the dares I gave you. I'm not giving you a chance for revenge!"  
  
Severus seethed inwardly, though appearing like a cucumber on the outside. Not green and a dodgy shape, but cool and calm, because it is not physically possible for a cucumber, or any organically grown product to feel frustrated, although there has been the odd case where a tomato has launched itself out of a catapult to break a window or a nose purely out of spite and revenge for the cannibal like eating of its cousins.  
  
"What is the thing you want most in the world?" He asked. Pixie seemed to meditate on the question for a while.  
  
"A male gay best friend and a scythe."  
  
"What hell?" Severus asked, unable to stop himself.  
  
"Well, gay people are cool, everyone knows that" (in the corner Graham glowed with pride) "and I've always wanted to look like the grim reaper to scare the tax collector away."  
  
Everyone nodded. It seemed like a good strategy.  
  
"Do you pay tax, then?" Draco asked suddenly.  
  
"Oh, I live in Birmingham. Everyone pays tax." Pixie stated flatly. "It's pay tax or get shot. In the head. With a silver bullet. Even if you aren't a werewolf."  
  
"Ouch!" Remus shuddered. "Nasty treatment."  
  
"Thank God for the lovely Government and their lovely anti-crime laws. It's really stopped all of the murders in the world, hasn't it?" Ron asked.  
  
"Don't be sarcastic." Harry snapped.  
  
"Why?" Ron asked.  
  
"It's my job." Harry snapped. (It's supposed to be repetitive on the adjectives part, by the way)  
  
Severus just raised an eyebrow.  
  
Kids these days. They take everything for granted.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Right, this is where I need your help. I need you guys to take a vote, and this will affect the story in the later chapters.  
  
Rules: Vote once. Not once for each category, just... once. And give a reason. Even if it's only "he's fun", I want a reason.  
  
Vote for your favourite person based on my characterisations of them in this story. To make it easier for you I have split them up in to three categories. YOU MAY ONLY PICK ONE!  
  
ADULTS-  
  
Professor Severus Snape  
  
Professor Remus Lupin  
  
Professor Albus Dumbledore  
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall  
  
Professor Slatero Quirrell  
  
Sirius Black  
  
ADOLESCENTS-  
  
Harry Potter  
  
Ron Weasley  
  
Ginny Weasley  
  
Hermione Granger  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
GUEST STARS-  
  
Graham Norton  
  
Pixie  
  
Thank you very much. This is really important because I will be using the results as a plot device. Please take the time to vote using the review button down there *points* 


	14. Albus Dumbledore, Matchmaker of the Cent...

"So, Remus, Truth or Dare" Pixie asked, staying sane enough to ask the question.  
  
"Dare." Remus said, being a Marauder, which automatically makes him suicidal.  
  
"Does it ever get you down, being a. youknow?"  
  
"Is that my dare?" Lupin asked, mouth doing the 's' thing.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What?"  
  
They stared at each other, being stuck in a conversational deadlock. Neither seemed to have worked out what the other said.  
  
Quirrell rolled his eyes and shook his head slowly.  
  
Ron started dancing on the table.  
  
Severus, irate idiot that he is, pulled the tablecloth off the table and sent Ron flying.  
  
Ron, through a mouthful of Graham's Stale Irish Stew and soot from the fireplace, started cursing Snape.  
  
All this happened in the moments that Remus and Pixie were replaying the last moments of their conversation in their head trying to work out what had happened.  
  
"OH!" the author yelled suddenly. "Of course! Remus, I challenge you to a game, and you have to do it for your dare!"  
  
"What game?"  
  
"Who-Can-Hold-Their-Hand-In-The-Ice-Bucket-Longest?" Pixie giggled. "It's a really good game, it's over here and I'm the unbeaten champion."  
  
"Oh yes?" Ginny asked. "How did you manage that?"  
  
"I had to cheat a bit, granted. Not much, I just put cockroaches down the contestant's back with my spare hand." Pixie smiled.  
  
"I want a separate bucket!" Remus whined. Pixie conjured up buckets of iced water, even though she technically wasn't magical.  
  
"Hey, Draco, Truth or Dare?" Remus asked, his reasoning that just watching the game would be boring and the spectators needed something else to do.  
  
"Dare, as long as you leave the hair alone!" Draco warned.  
  
"I dare you to have a go on the bucking bronco, over there. And if you don't last at least 20 seconds then I'll have to think up a forfeit."  
  
"Oh, bucking hell!" Draco muttered. Albus grinned.  
  
"Indeed, Herr Kommandant."  
  
"Heil Albus!" Severus said automatically, before slapping his forehead and massaging his temple. "I wish you wouldn't do that, Albus, you're messing with my self-esteem."  
  
"What hell?" Graham asked. Dumbledore grinned more.  
  
Ginny, out of everyone's line of sight, conjured some grease on to the bronco Draco was about to ride.  
  
As expected, he got on and fell off the other side, protesting for another go.  
  
"That wasn't fair, he hadn't started bucking yet!" He whinged. Remus sighed.  
  
"That proves how crap you're going to do, doesn't it?"  
  
"Oh, buck off."  
  
"If you use the fucking bucking joke one more time then I cannot be asked to take responsibility of my actions!" Graham said.  
  
While two different modes of torture were going on, Dumbledore was laughing to himself. Lurking in and amongst the pink fluffy clouds and jumping wildcats there was a vague promise of suffering waiting to be found. Graham and Severus did look so cute together.  
  
Draco had been thrown completely out of the bronco's saddle and had landed in a funny way, which made him think of changing his name to something feminine. There was a kind of steady ache around his crotch area now, and through blurry vision he could see Graham bent double in the corner, wincing and hugging his own nether regions in sympathy.  
  
He had a vague sense that he was falling and then a realistic thud as he hit the ground. Harry checked his stopwatch (which was new - courtesy of Dumbledore).  
  
"20.3 seconds." He announced. Draco breathed a sigh of relief. His crotch was safe. Relatively.  
  
Over in the ice-bucket game, Remus was beginning to think he had developed frostbite. His hand had gone bright red and he was certain that water around it was beginning to freeze.  
  
Pixie wasn't quite fairing as well. Her hand had gone blue, and she could no longer move it. It wasn't long before the paralysis moved up her arm into the rest of her body and she fell rigid into the bucket.  
  
"I declare the winner of this completely crazy, utterly pointless competition - REMUS LUPIN!" Sirius yelled, holding his friend's working hand high.  
  
Remus just put his cold hand in the cup of tea one of the endless number of house elves had brought him. There was a sizzling sound and he flinched.  
  
"Boy, that does not sound good."  
  
Harry did a double-take at his stop watch.  
  
"Ye Gods, it's midnight! It must have been a good day for the Four Bells."  
  
Harry's watch ran by the Four Bells of Hogsmeade, a tourist attraction and timekeeper for the many wizards in the area. Midnight was a different times each night, depending on what mood the bells were in and what sort of day it had been.  
  
On Christmas, midnight was always a few hours early. In the middle of a war when one of the bells had a cold, it was tolled out at 6 am two weeks later. It was very complicated, as it messed with future time, past time and present time, as well as reality.  
  
For example:- midnight could be tolled today at normal time but it was actually being tolled two weeks ago as well because it had been such a good day and the Bells had received lots of presents.  
  
In the holidays, residents of Hogwarts usually went to bed at Hogsmeade Midnight, no matter when it was.  
  
It was still light, but Dumbledore conjured up blinds and little lullaby- singing reindeer to get everyone to sleep. It worked instantly, like a drug. Everyone was out like a light except Dumbledore.  
  
He checked everyone was asleep, tip-toed over to Severus and dragged the man halfway across the hall, draping him over Graham. The sleeping Muggle twitched and mumbled something in his sleep.  
  
Something about the oranges being epelredy.  
  
Dumbledore shook his head and went to his own bit of floor.  
  
There. That should give Graham a bit of a shock, bust Severus' ego AND start a romance to teach the children that homosexuality wasn't all that bad.  
  
Job done. 


	15. One very pissed off gay man later

Graham woke blurry-eyed the morning after. He had a hangover, and his chest was being crushed by something. He squinted at it. Something with black hair. Something asleep. Something vaguely human-shaped.  
  
"HOLY SHIT IN A CAN!!!!" He yelled, as the realisation hit him and he jumped up, throwing the sleeping Severus off him.  
  
As expected, his cries woke just about everyone, and they wondered vaguely what the hell was going on. Dumbledore smirked in a way worthy of a Malfoy into his pillow. Everyone else made a circle around the two, Graham who was accusing and Severus, who was wide-eyed and shaking.  
  
"You bastard!" Graham spat, pointing the finger of shame at Snape, who stared at it like it might explode.  
  
"I didn't mean it!" He wailed. "I could have sworn I went to sleep over there!" He waved his hand somewhere in the direction where Dumbledore was sniggering.  
  
"Oh, yes? And you sleepwalked and sleep-slept on top of me, did you?" Graham replayed this last sentence in his mind. It seemed to make sense, but, then again, he was still a bit tipsy.  
  
"I don't know how it happened!" Severus insisted, close to tears. Graham just stared at him in disgust.  
  
"I thought the magical community accepted gays, but now I learn that they just take advantage of them instead."  
  
"That's not what I did..." Severus mumbled.  
  
"Fine! I get the idea." Graham whispered dangerously. "I get the idea. I'm leaving."  
  
And he stumbled in an almost-straight line out into the snow.  
  
Dumbledore smacked himself in the forehead. Why was the muggle being difficult? It was time for Severus to come out and the Muggle was the key, but the arsehole had left instead of reasoning.  
  
"Slap! Oi" He muttered. Severus stared in horror at the closed door. Everyone else was blank.  
  
"Severus, what did you do?" Minerva asked curiously.  
  
"I don't know!" Severus moaned, obviously distressed. "I just woke up and I was on top of him. I don't know how the fuck it happened either."  
  
"How much did you drink last night?" Minerva questioned, matter of factly, to the assorted giggles of the students.  
  
"Ah, he'll be back when the beer wears off." Sirius shrugged, answering an unasked question. "That's what he was like when we met him. He kept saying that he had to go and then he asked for another beer for the road and THEN he insisted that we weren't that bad and could he stay for a little longer please?"  
  
This seemed perfectly reasonable to the hormone-induced students and completely pissed teachers.  
  
"Quirrell, truth or dare?" Remus asked. The ghost was pinned to the wall, a little joke that Sirius had thought up half way through the night. Quirrell, for some reason, possibly because of the spell on the pin, couldn't move at all.  
  
"Dare. I hate you. I hate you. I will kill you. I will roast your body over an open fire." Was the deadpan answer.  
  
"I dare you to kiss... to kiss...um..." Sirius' face screwed up at the lack of girls in the room. "Hermione!"  
  
"No bleeding way. Psychotic dead serial killer I may be, but I am not a paedophile!" Quirrell replied, trying in vain to move spectral muscles. "Anyway, she's dating Ron. And, before you ask, Ginny looks about to get it off with Draco. So there."  
  
"McG! You have to kiss McGonagall!"  
  
"Sirius." Minerva said. Quirrell's eyes went wide.  
  
"NO WAY!"  
  
"You have to. It's a dare."  
  
"Sirius." Minerva repeated, with a bit more venom.  
  
"GET THE HELL LOST!"  
  
"No. You will do your dare!"  
  
"SIRIUS!" Minerva yelled, finally succeeding in getting the man's attention. He turned to face her.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
She whispered in his ear. He grinned evilly.  
  
"I dare you, Slatero," he said, addressing Quirrell. Harry burst into insane creepy giggles at the sound of the hilarious first name.  
  
"Call-me-Quirrell!" Quirrell muttered through metaphorically clenched teeth.  
  
"I dare you to kiss Minerva's friend here." Sirius grinned evilly and then turned into a dog to be on the safe side.  
  
There was a noticeable drop in metaphorical temperature.  
  
And there was a reason.  
  
"Meet Hepandojap." Minerva said happily, introducing the Dementor that had just walked in. "He's a friend of mine from school."  
  
"HOLY HELL WHAT KIND OF SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO WOMAN???" screamed Quirrell, who was currently hysterical.  
  
Hepandojap glided towards the immobile ghost, whose translucent eyes glazed over and froze in an expression of fear as he was kissed and his soul sucked out through his mouth.  
  
Quirrell fainted.  
  
Hermione laughed and took off the Dementor mask. Sirius turned back, and rolled on the floor in hysterics. McGonagall congratulated Hermione on her superb acting skills and brought Quirrell round again.  
  
"Hey, how come I can still think?" The spirit asked. Sirius, who was still incoherent with laughter, pointed at Hermione, who was wearing the long cloak of the Dementor. Quirrell's eyes narrowed.  
  
"I will kill you, Mr Black." He growled.  
  
"Mr Quirrell is very cross" Sirius choked through his laughter.  
  
"Bon voyage, and don't forget to write!" Flitwick cheerily grunted, strolling out the door. Ron shook his head and rubbed his eyes.  
  
"Ok, that was random."  
  
Hermione hugged him.  
  
"I actually think it was a mass hallucination."  
  
Ron thought about this.  
  
"Fair enough."  
  
Severus blinked. He had been very quiet, a miracle in itself. He was still feeling guilty about the Graham thing, though he had no idea how it had happened.  
  
"I'm going to go and apologised to Gray..." He said, his voice hoarse. Draco raised an eyebrow as his stricken Potions Master wandered disjointedly out of the room.  
  
"Since when has he been calling Graham 'Gray?' " He asked. Harry shrugged.  
  
Dumbledore mentally patted himself on the back. Stage one of the operation was complete. Severus was using a cute abbreviation instead of the man's proper name.  
  
Speaking of Severus...  
  
Severus came back in, in a different state of horror. He was dragging Graham, who didn't look too healthy. It seemed like the idiot had tripped, fallen headfirst into a snowdrift and been unable to get up.  
  
He was frozen, as was his expression. Dumbledore rolled his eyes. Why was the arse so stupid? He conjured up a fire and Severus carefully sat Graham next to it.  
  
Ginny was shaking her head from side to side in amazement as Graham defrosted. The muggle shivered uncontrollably as he regained control of his facial muscles.  
  
"I hurt my foot." He mumbled into his beer. Yes, indeed, some poor fool had given him another one.  
  
Minerva peered at the man's foot. Poppy Pomfrey was inconveniently on holiday, and no one else knew much about healing charms. It was a pretty bad break.  
  
Severus gave Graham a potion.  
  
"Drink it. It'll help." He murmured.  
  
Graham just glared at Severus, not trusting the man who had "slept" with him last night. Severus left the steaming hot drink on the table next to the comedian and retreated, hurt.  
  
"Oh, don't be an idiot, Graham. Drink the Potion!" growled Dumbledore, forgetting himself for a moment.  
  
"Meep!" Graham squeaked as the big scary resident 250-year-old man bore down on him, and he drank the concoction, which would, hopefully, heal his foot.  
  
In the meantime, he couldn't run away. Severus looked concerned. Sirius and Remus glanced at each other.  
  
Dumbledore rubbed his hands together in evil delight.  
  
No one could limp that fast...  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Right, you lot. I'm still taking votes on your favourite character. Don't stop sending in those votes, I need them!  
  
And, I'm getting to that stage in my life where I choose a career path to go down. I'm thinking of comedy and I was wondering what you lot think. Do you think I should be a comedian?  
  
If so, a stand up comedian or a scriptwriter? I need help with this. I'm keeping my options open, but if you lot reckon I can go into comedy then that's the kind of lifestyle I want.  
  
Please help and enlighten me. Tell me what to do with the rest of my life. (In other words just tell me your answers to the above question.)  
  
Thanks.  
  
~Spunkz~ 


	16. I said Kiss the COOK!

Everything was still and silent, apart from McG, who was jumping up and down. Graham stared at her with that "I'm lame, can't run and stuck with a bunch of loonies" look.  
  
"Are you jumping or am I under-medicated?" he asked. McG grinned (scary)  
  
"Both, I should think"  
  
"Ooooooookay, that was random." Hermione said suddenly.  
  
"Um, um, Snape, truth or dare?" Quirrell asked, breaking the flow of conversation.  
  
"Dare" said Snape, distracted as Graham limped over to the other side of the room.  
  
"I dare you to let Dumbledore put a spell on you."  
  
Snape glanced at Dumbledore.  
  
"This could go anywhere." He sighed, and let Dumbledore, who was currently hysterical for some weird, weird reason, put a spell on him.  
  
Dumbledore said some sort of random magical word and Snape blinked, covered his mouth and just stood still.  
  
"Well? What did he do?" Harry asked impatiently.  
  
"Verily, he pisseth me off." Snape said, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Why are you speaking like that?"  
  
"Well, what ideas think you did cause me this injustice?" Snape asked sarcastically. Harry understood.  
  
"Oh, is that what Dumbledore did?"  
  
"Thou hast guessed correctly."  
  
"What would you do if he did it again?" Hermione asked out of interest.  
  
"Runneth like fuck."  
  
"Thank you, Sevvie, for those wonderful words of wisdom." Sirius said sarcastically.  
  
Pixie was hiding in a corner, scared of the loonies that surrounded her.  
  
"Are you a Mary-Sue?" Remus asked suspiciously.  
  
"No, but my friend is. She can kick everyone's ass, she gets loads of attention, she's beautiful, everyone fancies her, all heads turn when she walks in a room, Tom Felton and Orlando Bloom are her brothers and Alan Rickman is her father."  
  
"Holy shit, that is a Mary-Sue!" Harry said, amazed.  
  
There was a discussion going on between Severus and Graham, who seemed to have forgiven the latter.  
  
"Nay, it is in my opinion that thou art mistaken" Severus said in his quaint new dialect "David Cassidy will be no more cute than Ian Hart."  
  
"Ew, you like that git?" Graham said, turning his nose up. "But what about that cutie, Richard Roxburgh? Isn't he so mmmmmmm?"  
  
Severus thought about this.  
  
"Yes, mine imagination is thus agreeing with thine on this particular observation." He said, mentally licking his lips. (Random A/N want a clue? Check on google images)  
  
"Oh, are you gay then, Severus?" Minerva asked.  
  
"me? Nonononononononono! No. No." Severus said hurriedly. Minerva shrugged and said mildly:  
  
"I'll take that as a "no" then."  
  
"You do that." Muttered Graham, with that annoying 'I know something you don't know' expression that little kids have when you ask them where the sweetie jar is.  
  
"shut up." Severus glared at the infuriatingly charming muggle.  
  
"Hit me with your rhythm stick!" Quirrell sang in the corner. Graham looked at him weirdly.  
  
"Is that an invitation?" He asked. Quirrell went Bounty White again and shook his head. Graham shrugged, thinking that there was an opportunity wasted.  
  
"Little Bollock!" Albus yelled suddenly. This completely random and pointless comment sparked a whole new conversation.  
  
"I've always thought that bollocks looked like that Gollum thing from Lord of the Rings." Ron stated matter-of-factly.  
  
Severus chose that moment to slip off the bit of table he had been sitting on.  
  
"Ouch, my Gollums!" He yelled, on impact with the floor. Everyone burst into insane creepy giggles, which freaked the author out even more.  
  
About five minutes later, when people began to stop laughing for fear of their own sanity (what sanity?) some other random person piped up:  
  
"Whee, aren't we deprived?"  
  
"Graham, truth or dare?" Sirius asked, winking at Remus.  
  
"Truth." Graham replied, not liking the looks on their faces, which grew even more terrifying now that their chances of fun had been spoiled.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"Well, now, that's a very philosophical question..." Graham answered. Sirius rolled his eyes.  
  
"No, I meant why are you HERE in Hogwarts, you prick?"  
  
"I can answer that!" Pixie said kind of drowsily. "Graham Norton kicks ass, that's why he's here!" She hugged the comedian. "He didn't actually want to come in, but I said I'd buy him another spazzy suit, so he reluctantly agreed."  
  
Remus looked stoically at Graham's suit, a kind of glittery blue thing, which no normal person should wear past that ol' front door.  
  
"Is that the new suit?" He asked.  
  
"Yup!" Graham said, giving a twirl. "It's gorgeous, isn't it?"  
  
"An acquired taste." Remus answered carefully.  
  
Quirrell stared at the wall opposite him.  
  
"Hey, guys?" He asked. "Why are there little fluorescent lights on the opposite wall?"  
  
"You're floating horizontally. That's the ceiling. Those are called candles. Welcome to the real world." Draco answered, rolling his eyes.  
  
Willing hands tossed the ghost back into vertical positioning. He swayed slightly before crashing back down horizontally again.  
  
"How many drinks have you had anyhow?" Draco asked, eyebrows raised. Quirrell held up a spectral hand, answering Draco's question immediately. 5 digits on a hand, remember! (ha - you lot thought I was gonna say fingers so you could say I was wrong, but I'm one step ahead of you - ha!)  
  
Dobby came bounding up out of the kitchens wearing one of those "Kiss the Cook" aprons.  
  
"Dobby has prepared lunch, sirs and misses." He squeaked, sounding as usual as though on helium.  
  
Graham raised an eyebrow at the apron and thereafter followed an extremely embarrassing five minutes in which Dobby fled, terrified, and Minerva started berating the hapless Muggle.  
  
"The apron told me to!" Graham said hysterically, trying to limp off.  
  
"The apron said 'Kiss the COOK', you utter idiot!" Minerva yelled at him. Graham whimpered.  
  
"It's not my fault." He mumbled. "The "o" looked a lot like a "c"..."  
  
Dumbledore rolled his eyes.  
  
"I suspect Dobby will be alright in an hour or two. Honestly, Graham, can't you double check?"  
  
"I did double check." The man moaned. "That's how I realised it was there..."  
  
"No, I meant... never mind." Dumbledore gave up.  
  
Dobby walked back in wearing a new apron that said "I said kiss the COOK!" on it. Graham's mouth did the infamous "s" shape of um and he buried his head in his hands as the 3-foot tall elf glared at him.  
  
"Dobby thinks that lunch will be in about half an hour, sirs and misses." He squeaked, not without reproach.  
  
In the corner, Albus' mind had run off and was plotting some odd deranged evil again. Something about funny hee-hee-ha-ha nicknames so that the people who hadn't stayed over Christmas would be utterly terrified when those who had used funny nicknames.  
  
He just had to slip them in...well, not to everyone, obviously. Harry and Ron seemed to have sorted theirs out already.  
  
"Wasssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Crab of Ineffable Wisdom?" Harry asked Ron. Ron grinned like a loon on loon tablets (which he is, I must point out)  
  
"Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Hairy Boozer?" He replied.  
  
"What hell?" Ginny asked incredulously. "Hairy Boozer? Where did that come from?"  
  
"Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup, Sugar Poof?" Harry asked, addressing Graham.  
  
"The sky and the roof. At the moment. Leave me alone." Graham snarled.  
  
'Sugar Poof?' Albus thought to himself. That was a good one. He would have to keep that for Graham. SP. Esspee. Funfunfun.  
  
"Because the Honey Monster loves Sugar Poofs!" He sung happily. His staff and students glanced at him and manhandled him into a shopping trolley. The remains of the Christmas tree were thrown in on top of him (*See note at end of page)  
  
"I think it safe to declare Albus deranged." McG sighed as the most respected wizard in Britain was carted off.  
  
"He'll be back when they've sobered him up." Sirius said, shrugging.  
  
Dobby sauntered in, using one eye to glare at Graham and the other to make sure the plates of food were put on the table and not on Draco's head, as the elf's former master was making threatening gestures about his hair being messed up.  
  
Lunch is served.  
  
(* note one - when packing wire baskets and shopping trolleys, it is traditional to place the most fragile items at the bottom)  
  
*****************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~****************  
  
Hi guys! This is a chapter from the heart. Sorry it's taken so long to type up, but my so called "mate" has either broken or torn a ligament (whatever that is) in my finger and I can't type properly.  
  
I usually touch type but at the moment I'm back to the old "one finger" routine. It's so slow!  
  
Ciao!  
  
~Spunkz 


	17. Who's idea was it to trut Quirrell in th...

McG suddenly and quite randomly put her hand on Ron's neck, having been holding it out in the snow for quite sometime. Harry almost bit through his tongue in frustration.  
  
"What did you do that for?" He snarled, forgetting he was addressing his Head of House "We'll never get him down now!" He indicated his friend, who was clinging determinedly onto one of the candles, shuddering violently.  
  
Hermione cast Wingardium Leviosa on herself and attempted to pry the redhead's fingers off the small glob of wax. She needn't have worried, though. His hot sweaty hands were melting the candle.  
  
Suddenly the charm Flitwick had put on the light was released from the sticky glob, and the candle and Ron dropped to the floor, landing by luck on Severus.  
  
Of course, it was lucky for everyone else, just not Severus.  
  
Graham, who had at some point during this been hit hard on the head with a broomstick, was wandering disjointedly around in a daze. Ron, who had quickly recuperated, stopped him.  
  
"You must prepare yourself, Pinky, for what we are to do tonight!" He said, in a weird accent. In landing, he had hit his head on Severus' head, though Severus seemed to be faring rather better than he was.  
  
"Why, Brain, what are we doing tonight?" Graham responded, almost automatically.  
  
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. We try to take over the world."  
  
"Oh great." Graham smiled happily. "I love parties."  
  
"Pinky. Don't make me hurt you."  
  
"And toast, I love toast too."  
  
Ron suddenly and very randomly kicked Graham in the shin, and when the comedian complained just replied:  
  
"I warned you, Pinky."  
  
McG blinked. Twice.  
  
"What the hell was all that about?" She asked. The rest of the group shook their heads, indicating that it wasn't just McG, and that the two really were losing their minds.  
  
Hey! Look what I found!" Quirrell shouted, showing his newfound friends a shiny metal Muggle implement.  
  
"Oh, one of those." Hermione turned her nose up in disgust. "It's called a gun. It shoots things that go very very fast."  
  
"Whatever." Quirrell shrugged. Sirius stared at the thing, in his own little state of perpetual bliss.  
  
"Shiny..." he muttered to himself. Remus, one of the few who had been keeping up with current affairs, made his opinion noticed.  
  
"Are we still playing truth or dare?" He asked. There was a huge mob cheer, even from the psychotically ill among them. He smiled.  
  
"Good-o. Graham, truth or dare?"  
  
"Tru... tru..." Graham stuttered for no particular reason, other than the author needs a plot device.  
  
"Truth?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Dare." Graham clarified, sticking his tongue out.  
  
"Good." Remus smiled evilly. He hadn't been a Marauder for nothing, y'know. "I dare you to ride Harry's Firebolt."  
  
Exclamations of disbelief issued from two different mouths.  
  
"Are you nuts? On MY broomstick? He'll snap it, bit by bit! He's a fucking Muggle! I bet he's never flown in his life!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Yeah, what he said!" Graham added vaguely. "Oh, apart from the flying. I have been in a plane, y'know."  
  
"Oh, good." Remus grinned. Graham, realising he'd made a mistake, backed away in protest. Severus, with his terrible headache, had had enough. He grabbed the Irish man round the waist, somehow managing to tie him to the broom with the same ropes used so many time in the third book (why? Who knows!)  
  
On Remus' commands, the broom went up in the air, but then he stopped his muttering and let poor Graham take control.  
  
"Noooooooooo!" Graham yelled, vainly attempting to steer the broom. He passed Quirrell, almost hitting him in the face.  
  
In his shock, Quirrell reflexively fired the gun, which was (for comedy value, of course) loaded.  
  
The bullet ricocheted (don't you love that word?) around the room, narrowly missing McG and carving a bullet-sized tunnel through Hermione's overly frizzy hair. Bouncing off the table at an awkward angle, it shot up into the air, where Graham was grimly trying to hold onto his broom. The bullet cut through the ropes binding the man's hands to the wood, and he almost dropped, managing just to cling on.  
  
"Watch it, you cretiiiiiiiiiiiiin!" He yelled down at Quirrell, screaming slightly as the broom took off again.  
  
Hitting the ceiling, the bullet bounced back down towards the fascinated witches and wizards assorted. It bounced once or twice off the table before finally lodging itself up Severus' left nostril (yes, I know in real life it would kill him, but this isn't real life... remember?)  
  
Severus sneezed and the bullet flew out into his beef and lemon pastie (don't ask). He collapsed backwards.  
  
Graham's hand finally slipped from the broom and he fell from the ceiling, landing in a particularly well-placed blancmange and complaining something awful about dry cleaning bills.  
  
"Will! Elizabeth! Monkey!" Dumbledore yelled. He had been carted back in, wearing a straight jacket and with the warning that if he was naughty again the men in white coats would take him away and spank him. Scarily, the look on his face told them he might enjoy that.  
  
Draco raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Been watching Pirates of the Caribbean again, Professor?" He asked sarcastically.  
  
"Pride of the King's Navy you are!" Dumbledore replied. Draco rolled his eyes.  
  
"I'm not in the navy."  
  
"And for good reason." The Headmaster sniggered, in an eerily creepish way that reminded Draco of a donkey.  
  
"Oh, shut up."  
  
Severus woke up to find that Graham, who had recovered from his ill-timed encounter with a dessert, had drunk his rum.  
  
"The rum's gone!" He breathed in disbelief.  
  
"Yes, the rum is gone." Hermione clarified, rolling her eyes at the alcoholic in front of her.  
  
"Why is the rum gone?" Her Potions Master asked.  
  
"Because Graham drank it." She indicated at the man in question with her finger.  
  
"Yes, but why is the rum gone?" Severus persisted. (sorry, I couldn't resist - that line is c-l-a-s-s-i-c)  
  
"Ask him!" Hermione repeated, pointing still at the guilty one, who was grinning happily.  
  
Severus approached, angry that his rum was gone. Graham (who, as we all know, can't handle his drink) sidled up to him.  
  
"Hey there, sexxxxxxxxxxxxy, wanna come for sssstroll?" He asked, slurring to his hearts content and poking Severus repeatedly in the sides about where his kidneys were.  
  
"Pass, ta." Severus contorted his face into the infamous "S shape of Um" and staggered off, trying to dislodge the annoyingly persistent comedian.  
  
Quirrell floated past, happy for some reason. The fighting Severus and Graham stumbled right through him.  
  
"Oi! D'you mind?" He asked, dumping a cheese soufflé on them. They both stopped, Graham suddenly quite sober, before leaping on the ghost shouting obscenities.  
  
"Cretin! Do you know how much it will cost to clean this shirt?" Graham yelled. Severus growled, managing to push the spectral psychopath backwards.  
  
Both living men leapt simultaneously at the trembling Quirrell, and both slammed simultaneously into the wall. Quirrell, in his fear, had stepped backwards right through it.  
  
He found himself in the small "cupboard under the stairs" room where Hagrid kept all his pets. There was a classic Scooby-Doo moment where Quirrell was running with all his might but not going anywhere before he burst, yelling blue murder, back through the wall of the Great Hall.  
  
He gasped out about the terrors of the tiny room, and Sirius, Remus, Severus and Graham, all being slightly drunk, grabbed some stale Irish Stew and viciously sharpened sporks from the table before gathering in the middle of a circle of the remaining students and teachers.  
  
~  
  
Ah, the things we get up to when we're pissed off our faces.  
  
BTW, sorry about all the random brackets, I just had to add those comments.  
  
Sorry it took so long to update, I've been lazy.  
  
Cretin - you just have to love that word, it sounds so funny and so wrong somehow. Along with prefabricated. That word shouldn't be in the dictionary ;) 


	18. Hagrid's Revenge MUAHAHAHA!

Graham was the first to run screaming back into the Great Hall, but then, being a Muggle, he had no past experience of Hagrid's "pets".  
  
"There's a... there's a... there's a..." he panted incoherently. McG patted his head soothingly as she attempted to dress a burn that the man had received off one of the surviving Skrewts. However, when she tried to bandage it, he bit her savagely on the hand.  
  
"There's a... thing in there... well, there's lots of things in there but there's a thing in there that's going to eat Quirrell!" The comedian panted. Harry raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Why would we care if it ate Quirrell? He's a ghost after all." He commented snidely.  
  
Graham frowned.  
  
"Oh, the ghost's called Quirrell? Then what's the name of that one, the kind of schizo one who goes wolf every full moon?"  
  
"Professor Lupin?" Hermione asked.  
  
"That's it. There's a thing in there that's going to eat Prorofessinon Lupin!" Graham slurred triumphantly yet oddly, still being mildly hooked up on alcohol and whatever hallucinogenic drugs he had taken recently. Harry's eyes widened.  
  
"OH GODS! ONE OF HAGRID'S PETS IS GOING TO MAKE CHOWDER OUT OF REMUS!" He yelled down Draco's ear, subsequently waking both Draco and Ginny up.  
  
"Yippee, celery." Draco murmured before dozing back off into Noddy Land.  
  
Remus suddenly came bursting through the doors of the Great Hall, screaming in a way freakily similar to the way Graham had screamed when he had run back in to the warmth and relative safety of the room.  
  
"Hey!" McG's voice was almost accusing as she addressed her fellow teacher. "I thought you were being eaten by one of Hagrid's friends?"  
  
"I was." Remus panted. "But we fed Snape to it and it left me alone."  
  
"EXCUSE ME?" McG roared, all of a sudden quite demented. "YOU FED SEVERUS TO THAT THING???"  
  
"Well, it spat him back out." Remus shrugged. "We think it's allergic to his hair. It hasn't tried eating us since."  
  
"Is he hurt bad?" Someone asked, though no one could tell who.  
  
"A couple of scratches but he's mostly just drenched in dribble." Remus concluded, giggling slightly insanely. "He keeps gibbering something about the inside of the monster's stomach, though he's currently incoherent with the shock of actually being eaten."  
  
"Well, gee, I can't imagine that!" McG said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. Remus grinned insolently at her.  
  
"Tea strainer, tea strainer, hello Mr Rosebud!" Dumbledore chuckled as Quirrell burst through the wall, obviously panicked.  
  
"Argh!" He yelled. "There's an evil monstery thing in there trying to eat Snape!"  
  
"We'd established." Hermione retorted, raising an eyebrow. Remus frowned.  
  
"Was it wise leaving Sirius and Severus in a room together?" He asked. A sudden explosion from the "cupboard under the stairs" answered his question as well as any spoken words could.  
  
"Arse shit fuck damnations in a pink bloody umbrella!" A stream of profanities issued from the burnt out husk of what was once Hagrid's dangerous pet shop. "Where the hell did you come from? You are supposed to be dead!"  
  
"Give over, will you? Our spectral house was invaded by plot bunnies who stole us and brought us here. Anyway, Greaseball, how come you aren't dead yet?" came a new voice from the carnage.  
  
"I was just onto it, James. We fed him to one of Hagrid's pets." Sirius butted in.  
  
"Did you? Good call. I expect the poor thing spat the greasy bugger right back out, huh? It must be traumatised beyond belief." Answered the new voice.  
  
"No, it's not." Severus snapped. "Because you just killed it with that stupid explosion when you were stupidly trying to make an entrance! Good god!"  
  
"You called?" Both Sirius and the new voice answered.  
  
With a sigh of impatience Severus came storming out from underneath the ceiling of the collapsed room. Remus had said he had received a few scratches, and this was true. He was also covered from head to toe in dust and monster spit.  
  
"Well, crud." He said, wiping away some grime from his forehead with an even dirtier hand.  
  
The reason for his seemingly random cussing came just a few steps behind where he was. Sirius Black emerged, looking scarily happy and followed by none other than James Potter.  
  
Harry's jaw hit the floor. Literally.  
  
"Dad?" He asked in amazement. James rolled his eyes.  
  
"No shit. For a Potter you really are thick." He snapped at his son, who glared back.  
  
Severus, who had for the last few seconds been coughing up furballs and grit from the monster room, suddenly started laughing evilly.  
  
"You are so busted!" He sneered at James and Sirius, who looked at him in confusion. What they didn't know is that he had seen Hagrid coming up from his hut to visit his many pets.  
  
Hagrid came bursting through the door in a happy mood, content now that the flesh-eating slugs had started to actually eat his flesh instead of his lettuces.  
  
"Hello Professor Dumbledore, sir, hello Sirius, hello Harry, hello James, hello... James? Ugh... I'm hallucinating, too much firewhisky... Hello, all."  
  
"Hi Hagrid!" The room chorused back, with the exception of Snape, who was bitter, Graham, who had no idea who Hagrid was and Dumbledore, who was still in Happy Wappy Fairy Land.  
  
"Yes please, another bushel of sprigs will be fine, Mr Greengrocer." He said cheerfully. Hagrid glanced in his direction.  
  
"Well, I won't be stayin' long, I've jes' come to check up on my little darlin's. I left them in the cupboard under the stairs so nothing would happen to them, the little dears."  
  
"I stand corrected!" Snape said as Hagrid exited the room, happy that his two arch nemeses would finally be killed (even though one was already dead.) "NOW you're busted."  
  
There was a primeval roar from the Monster Room and James spectrally wet himself. Sirius really did wet himself.  
  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABIES?" Hagrid thundered, leaping on Severus and choking him in a submission stranglehold. "YOU'VE KILLED THEM!"  
  
Quirrell watched Snape slowly turning blue because of lack of air and decided to intervene.  
  
"Um.. Hagrid?" He called nervously from the other side of the room. Even though he was a ghost, Hagrid would probably find a way to cause him Grievous Bodily Harm. "For once Severus is innocent. It was Sirius and James who murdered your pets."  
  
Hagrid thankfully left off Snape, who was not looking so healthy, having been both eaten and half strangled. With a roar of apoplectic rage, Hagrid aimed his pink umbrella at Sirius. There was a flash of light and James smashed through the table and two consecutive walls.  
  
Then the light cleared.  
  
"Woof?" asked Sirius before his eyes widened. "WOOF?"  
  
James staggered spectrally back through the two walls and the table. Quirrell's theory on Hagrid's being able to commit GBH on ghosts was correct, and the famous Potter senior looked quite ill. Even he, however, had to laugh when he heard Sirius.  
  
Snape was in hysterics.  
  
Sirius could now only speak woof. 


End file.
